Over a year and two months ago I had my abortion. I don't regret it, I'm not proud of it, but I'll always be living with it.

I was 14 when I found out. I was a straight A student involved in every high school activity possible. I had friends and a great family and a very loving 16 year old boyfriend who I'd been dating for almost a year. I shouldn't have even known what sex was when I was 14. But yet, I was doing it, without any form of birth control. I thought I was invincible.

My boyfriend and I were having unprotected sex, so in October 2009 when I woke up feeling like I was going to pass out and vomit, in my gut I knew I was pregnant. Every day was walking on egg shells even though no one knew. I constantly was checking online sites for any glimmer of hope that I wasn't pregnant. I only had a few symptoms. morning sickness, weight gain and nausea towards certain foods.

Finally, on October 22nd 2009, I was at my boyfriends house, we were in his basement and I started crying, like balling my eyes out. I knew enough was enough-- I had to tell someone besides him because I knew I was pregnant, but I also knew I couldn't keep it. We decided to tell my sister. She was older and on birth control and even kept a pregnancy test in her room for her just in case. I texted her and just told her and not to tell mom. Later that night when I got home I took the test and it was positive. I was calm about it because I was so numb and shocked. It was real and getting realer by the minute. That night I cried myself to sleep.

On October 25th 2009 I woke up at 7am on a Saturday and just lay in my bed while everyone else still slept trying to think of the words to say to my mom. I finally mustered up the courage, walked into her room and climbed in bed with her. She woke up and asked what was wrong. I started crying like a baby and just said I was pregnant. The first thing she said was "YOU HAD SEX?!" I'll never in my life forget that moment. But after that she was calm, not yelling not crying... yet. She just said, "What are we gonna do?" I began pleading to let me have an abortion. I was young and naive and was afraid of being pregnant. The only word I can use to describe the entire experience is "embarrassed." I finally convinced her to at least call the clinic and schedule me a consultation.

I was pregnant, I was 14, I was embarrassed, disappointed, ashamed and scared. My dad was the most disappointed. I'll never forget the day he called me a murderer. He's finally starting to move on but that moment still makes me cringe.

My surgery was scheduled for October 30th 2009. My mom said I could only go through with it if my boyfriend went with us, which he gladly did for support. It was 6am and I remember the drive there, feeling extremely morning sick. We sat in the waiting room for about 45 minutes. There were other women and couples there, but I stuck out like a sore thumb. The youngest one in the whole building, I'm sure. That was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Even though the women were going through the same experience as me, they stared at me like I was a freak.

They finally called me. I went upstairs where they put an IV in my arm. I was scared to death-- I had never had anesthesia so this was probably a bad start. I sat in a big room with curtains between each girl in big comfy chairs, with our IVs and paperwork. Finally, a nurse told me it was my turn so i walked back to the procedure room with her while she wheeled my IV bags on the rack thing. As I stood in the hallway while they prepped my room, I suddenly felt horribly sick, not just nauseous but like I was GOING to throw up, I told the nurse right as i was let into my room. Luckily, I didn't throw up. I sat on the table/chair thing and the doctor came in, everyone was extremely friendly and nonjudgmental. The nurse put the white anesthesia into my IV and told me to count to ten and I began having a coughing fit, I'm assuming from the anesthesia...

Next thing I remember was waking up in the same big comfy chair in the hallway, with a nurse offering me a cookie and a glass of water.

The procedure went good, no pain or side effects. Literally on the way home as the anesthesia wore off, I felt almost 100%, like none of this had ever happened. No cramping or bleeding. Just knowing the fact that it happened is my biggest scar.

The worst part is that my best friend doesn't even know. Only family and a couple other people know. My boyfriend who I'm still together with is still very supportive and on occasion we talk about it. I did go to a therapist a few times to talk about it because my mom forced me to. but what the therapist and myself soon began to realize was that I wasn't ready to talk about it at all, and suggested I didn't come back until I was ready.

I feel lucky that both of our families were supportive and have moved on. Today his family loves me again and my mom loves him. I don't regret having an abortion, I just regret having it so young. I'm ashamed and embarrassed about it but I live my life like any normal 16 year old would. Not with a giant storm cloud over my head. I still think about it every single day but I learn to cope without sadness.

After this experience I realized at some point in my life I'll definitely want kids, but unlike some people i wouldn't mind being older when I have them. I wanna live the rest of my teens and 20s out to the complete fullest before I even think of kids. I'm not taking any time while I'm young for granted.

Thanks for listening!

PS.(sorry it's so long!)