There is something so therapeutic about putting pen to paper and letting thoughts flow out, and also in reading the experiences of other women who have undergone abortions and realizing there is nothing out of the ordinary about the way I am feeling.
On Monday I went to see my Ob/Gyn because I'd been experiencing sharp shooting pains in what I believed to be either my uterus or my fallopian tubes. The doctor immediately suspected that I was pregnant and gave me a blood test which wouldn't be ready until the next day. As if I could really wait an entire day! I ran to Walgreens and purchased a pregnancy kit and went into the store bathroom to take it... all three turned out positive. I stood there looking at the stick and I laughed because I really didn't know what else to do.
In December, I had reentered a sexual relationship for the millionth time with someone I had loved since I was sixteen. From then on, I'd wished and wanted so much to conceive his child. And there I stood, my wish granted, and all I could think about was the fact that I had loved and admired him for so long but I never felt those sentiments were ever truly reciprocated. I know that our baby couldn't guarantee anything between him and me. In fact, I couldn't even say for sure that he would even give us a try at being a family. What would become of me? A single parent to a newborn baby and her father (I say her because I always picture a baby girl when I think about the life that was growing inside me) could go on about his life, unharmed. That was just not the life I wanted for myself.
So, while still standing in the Walgreen's bathroom, I knew I would have to give up what I had wanted so much. I never told him anything about being pregnant until after I had the abortion because I was afraid of what he would say to me when I was feeling so vulnerable, yet I did wish he would have been there with me on the day of my abortion but it just didn't seem like the right idea. I knew I was pregnant for four full days before I had my abortion. And although my mind was pretty much made up, I loved being pregnant. I subconsciously rubbed my belly throughout the first night and even dreamed about a big belly.
Reading all your stories has given me great comfort because I no longer feel crazy for loving a life that never was. Rather than trying to forget this ever happened, I plan to go through the grieving process and eventually move on but no one can take away the love I feel for the little life that was growing inside of me. Last night was a sleepless one for me, but I think I will actually get some sleep tonight.