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I had an abortion almost 5 years to the day.

I remember back then after I took the first, second and third pregnancy tests, the feeling of panic and anxiety that overwhelmed me. I also remember a secret internal feeling of excitement. What would my parents think, already unapproving of my partner? I felt a feeling of letting them down-- disappointment. There was stuff i wanted to do: study to achieve the position I'm in now. I had no problem deciding that an abortion was the right thing for me at the time. The thought of telling people made me feel sick.

I asked a friend to go with me, not my closest as she was pregnant at the time and was happy about it. My "friend" didn't show on the morning we had arranged to meet, and I went to the hospital alone. I can vividly remember the scan I first attended and the woman who appeared emotionless, saying I must've been roughly 11 weeks. By this morning I would have been 14 weeks pregnant, and I felt I was doing the correct thing. I managed to not think about what I was doing during the procedure, and I remember being told I could home after seeing the contents in a bed bowl. I felt weak and clearly recall being thirsty but unable to reach a bottle of water I selected from the vending machine. My concerns now were to get home to my worried parents who had left voice mails asking if i was OK-- I didn't want to let them down. I arrived home and lied through my teeth, what a great day I had had in the city.

I went to my room and realized I still had the band on my wrist from the hospital but luckily no one had noticed-- I kept it. 5 years on I can say I think more of what I did, after the initial self medicated alcohol help I provided myself with. Why is it still important to me? My life is good now and I know I wouldn't be in this position had I chosen to have the baby.

I feel like I need to talk to someone and discuss the what happened after carrying it for years and never sharing it-- it would be a big weight off my shoulders to discuss it. I have lost many friends since, not because of the abortion but because of the alcohol that consumed me and kept my silence afterwards. Now I feel truly alone and dealing with the consequences when now I am in a position to provide a good life to a child but I have no one and find myself thinking more of the decision i made.