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I had an abortion a few days ago. I am devastated. I thought long and hard for about a week and a half, kept going back and forth. I have always wanted a child so desperately, and I imagined the moment I found out I was pregnant would be the happiest of my life. But it didn't turn out that way... it was more shock and fear, knowing I couldn't support the child or do it alone. My life is very unstable right now financially. I have only been with my boyfriend a few months. He told me I could make up my own mind, and if I kept it, he would help as much as he could, but he said we probably wouldn't stay together anyway and certainly not just for the child. We have a very tumultuous relationship, even before this. I thought of all the ways I could maybe do this, but given my emotional and mental health issues even before this, my unstable relationship, my marginal employment...I couldn't find a way. I thought I was doing the best thing I could do given the circumstances, and I knew the longer I waited the harder it would be to make a rational decision. I thought maybe I would feel peace that it was finally over and decided. It took all my courage and strength to go to the clinic. It was a terrible experience and felt like an assembly line. I feel like I made a terrible mistake, and I mourn for the loss of something I had wanted so much for so long but was not in a position to have now. I don't know if and when I'll ever get another chance. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I want to rebuild my life so I am in a better position later to start a family, but I feel very weak right now. Having an abortion in one's 30s when one really wants a child... but just cannot do it at that moment for financial and emotional reasons... it is the hardest thing. It has been the hardest and saddest time of my life.