I was nineteen and dating a guy for about three months who I shouldn’t have been dating, so I broke up with him. Weeks after I had broken it off I missed my period. NO way! was my first thought, this can't happen! I made it OK, I fixed it, I broke up with him. Why would God put a baby inside me AGAIN! Yes, again... two years earlier I had become pregnant with my boyfriend of three years and had an abortion, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. And here we go again! I can't believe I didn't learn my lesson. Why didn't I protect my self? What am I going to do?

I can't have another abortion! But I'm not ready for a baby. He's not ready for a baby. I can't have another abortion! You might not even be pregnant. All these thoughts ran through my head in seconds. I had to be sure, I had to take a test. So I let him know, I bought a test and we met up at our "spot" and I took it. I couldn’t stare at it like I did last time, all I did was pace back and forth in the street. After waiting the two recommended minutes I told him to get it and tell me what it said. He said, "what does two lines mean?" All I could do was laugh like a crazy person. Yup, it was true-- I was pregnant!

We talked about what to do for weeks, but inside I think I knew form the beginning what I was going to do. I wanted so badly for it not to be my choice. I had so many emotions. He was so supportive, I thank him and God everyday for all his support. I went to the clinic, but it was so different, everyone was so great! The doctor talked me through everything and I even got a copy of the ultrasound. I went home and prepared myself. I knew what to expect: a day of horrible cramps and changing my pad every five minutes.

But it wasn't the same. I won't ever forget it. I was lying on my stomach, it was the only position that made it better, and a big blood clot came out so I went to the bathroom to change my pad. I sat on the toilet and looked at my pad and the big blood clot only it looked different it looked like apple sauce... it scared me and I started to think, where I had left that emergency number? And then I turned the apple sauce in my hand. It was the placenta!!! And the baby was in it! I lost it. I started to freak out. I never expected to see the baby. It was so real now.

I called my best friend she rushed right over, cleaned me up and asked me what I wanted to do with him? I want to bury him, but where? She said let's go, I know a place. She drove me to an orange orchard. I picked a tree and I buried him. I visit every once in a while, and even though my second abortion was more graphic than the first, I'm so glad it happened the way it did. I know now that the second helped me grieve with the first.

I deal with my abortions every day and every day it gets a little better. I don’t cry as often as I use to and I don’t beat my self up as much. I know everything happens for a reason, and there is good in every bad thing. I know my experience will help someone some day.