when i was sixteen during my junior year in high school, i went away to mexico during winter break where i had fallen head over heals for a guy i had just met, Eduardo. however, i was already in a relationship back home. Eduardo made me completely forget about my boyfriend back home. we were together every day from the day i met him to the day i left mexico. during that time spent together we hooked up just once. one time was all it took.

i returned back to california and broke it off with my boyfriend. Eduardo called every day for three months. after those two months the calls would only be once in a while. then suddenly he stopped calling. a month went by that i didn't hear from him. then suddenly i got sick, very sick. i had high fevers, would throw up constantly, & was weak even to walk. all the throwing up had cause me to become dehydrated. everything i ate would come back out so i couldn't take it anymore. on march 23, 2011, my mom drove me to the hospital. that's when i got the unexpected news. i was pregnant. i couldn't believe it, i didn't want to believe it. i cried hysterically as the doctor told my mom the news. they then took me to get an ultra sound & as i looked into the screen i saw the shape of the baby. i couldn't believe this little creature was growing inside of me. once the ultra sound was over we were sent to a room to wait for the results.

while we were in there waiting, my mom started talking to me about abortion. she didn't once ask if i wanted to keep it. she started talking about how her sister, my aunt, had just recently gotten an abortion. she said she would help me out with everything. it was all going so fast, i didn't have time to think. it all seemed like a dream. when the doctor finally came back with the results he confirmed that i was three months pregnant, almost four. i was pregnant for three months without knowing. i was released from the hospital, and as we got home my dad asked my mom what happened. she told him i had food poisoning, she lied. she knew she couldn't tell him for the fear of him kicking me out. she was sure i was going to give it up, even if i didn't want to. she scheduled an appointment for my abortion the next day. while i waited for the day to come, i stayed home locked up in my room thinking. thinking about school, about my life, about the baby, about Eduardo. i texted him. i told him everything that happened. he said there was nothing he could do, in other words he didn't care. so now it was all up to me.

the only thing i was concerned about now was school. i was on track to go straight to a four year right after high school, which has always been my dream, and i knew that with this baby i wouldn't be able to accomplish it. so i was ready, ready to get it all over with.

i felt so emotionless & numb during that week. my first appointment was for planned parenthood to confirm that i was in fact pregnant. i went in and had another ultra sound. that's where i got to see it again. it broke my heart. i was starting to have a change of heart. i wasn't sure with what i wanted anymore. the nurse told me i was too far along to get a medical abortion and that i was to get a surgical abortion. she explained the whole process to me and scheduled my abortion date for friday, april 8th. i cried every day as i waited for that dreadful day. i had no one to talk to. there was my aunt, but she was happy about her abortion, i wasn't. i always believed that abortion was a sin and that it was murder and anyone who had one was going to hell. we are christians; therefore, this is what we believe. the day finally arrived, and as much as i didn't want to do it, i wasn't strong enough to speak up. so i went through with it. before i went through the whole procedure i talked to a counselor who asked me if i was sure about my abortion. i wanted to say no "no i'm not sure" but i lied and said yes.

i spent the whole morning on medications that made me cramp up like crazy. while i was waiting for my turn, i met a girl who was telling me why she was getting it and she seemed so sure she didn't want it... she talked about her party life and how her boyfriend or family didn't know she was going to do it. i waited and waited for my turn. when it was finally my turn i was called into a room and the doctor and nurse explained everything and how it was a fast procedure and it would be over in no time. to me, however, it seemed like the longest 5-10 minutes of my life. i was screaming in pain as he was sucking the life out of me. i screamed and screamed. partly because i was in pain and the other part because i didn't want it to be real. as soon as he finished up, the doctor walked out and the nurse helped me clean up. i was then sent to a room where i was to recover for a while before i was picked up.

i sat in the room feeling numb and empty, like a part of me had just died. i called for my aunt to pick me up, and she checked me out. when i got home, i did nothing but lie in bed and think. i regretted it from the moment the doctor stuck the tube in me. there was no turning back now. after that day, i felt like i was a completely different person. i was a person without a heart. i partied hard, i did drugs, i messed up in school, and i hurt the people closest to me, but i didn't care. nothing mattered to me anymore. i hated myself for what i did. i knew i could never forgive myself. i was so depressed, but i didn't show it, i ignored all my feelings inside and did anything to keep my mind of off it. all because i didn't have anyone to open up to so i had to keep it all to myself. my friends knew what happened but they didn't understand how it was eating me up on the inside. to this day, i still feel alone with this, i still feel like i have no one to go to.

however, i am finally starting to realize that i wouldn't be where i am now if it weren't for my abortion. i'm going to start college in the fall, and i have an amazing boyfriend who i've been with for almost four months. my family life still isn't all that great, but it never has been. my friends are still by my side. i still get those random thoughts and "what if's" every once in a while along with flashbacks and nightmares of that day. but not a day goes by that i don't think of my baby. i've asked God for forgiveness, and i just hope He has forgiven me. it's been a year and i'm still depressed and it still hurts my heart but no matter what i will never lose my faith in God. i've turned my life around, and i'm slowly starting to heal. i'm now strong enough to admit i don't regret my decision because it only made me stronger as a person.