I'm writing this because I wish I had heard someone's story that was like mine. I'm writing this because I felt alone, and I don't want other people to feel alone too. Trust me, even if I haven't found that person yet, there has to be someone else out there that is in your same position....
I am 27 years old, and one year from finishing my PhD. I am in a loving relationship with a wonderful man. We have been long distance dating for two years, and we have finally moved in with each other. Just five weeks after moving in together, I found out I was pregnant... five weeks pregnant, go figure?
I am the product of teenage parents. Because of this, I had always believed that if I were to get pregnant, I would have the baby, because I owe it to the baby for the sacrifices my mother made for me. I do believe that babies are gifts from God, and it is a miracle to be chosen to have one. I believe all of these things in principle. But in reality, I did not feel connected to the fetus. I felt obligated to it in principle, but not actually to it as a person. I felt very guilty for this... I thought some type of maternal instinct should have kicked in and made me go through with this pregnancy. But I didn't feel that for the baby... I only felt it in principle.
In reality, I had to consider what meant more to me... concepts, ideas and principles? Or what I wanted, and what my boyfriend wanted as people on this planet with vested interests in the outcome of this decision? I was surprised when he told me he didn't want me to have the baby. He has been married and has a five year old son. I thought that would give him some sort of connection, or obligation, to our baby. But it didn't. He was very adamant about not wanting to be a father again "right now." He was very clear that where we were in our lives, and our growing relationship, was not conducive to having a baby. He made his opinion clear, but was careful to give me space to make my own decision. I'm grateful for that.
Even though he and I did not feel the same way about where our lives were at that moment, we were on the same page about what we wanted it to be in the near future. I was willing to sacrifice that, but he was not. In the end, I was faced with the decision on what had more weight for me... my commitment to ideas and principles, or the vested interests of myself and my boyfriend.
Even though we thought about this together, I alone took the medication. I had to expel the pregnancy from my body. I alone will have to answer for my actions. But I can say that I made this decision for me, not for someone else, not for a romanticized idea... that is the only thing that brings me some type of peace.