I never ever would have imagined I would have an abortion. I have always said that if it came down to it and I was pregnant, I would have the baby no matter what! I even told my boyfriend that when we first started dating. I told him the one thing I wanted to make sure that I do in life is have a baby. I wanted a baby at some point in time. Well, with that said...

Long story short, four tests later, sure enough, I was pregnant! Inside and secretly (for some reason I didn't want anyone to know), I was excited. Then reality hit and I knew that I couldn't do it! But I didn't want to admit it to myself. So later that day I told him. He took it really well. He didn't freak out, but just said, "you know what we have to do, right?" I said yes. Between that time my doctor's appointment, I kept running all of the other possibilities through my head, over and over and over. It literally made me sick!

I thought that I could just take my best friend with me and run away and have my baby-- the baby I always wanted. But how could that be fair for a baby to not grow up with a dad? Adoption was not an option. Or I could just stay right where I was from and have my baby, and if he wanted a part he could have it. I had and still have a lot of anger towards him. I know that the choice I made was right-- right for me, right for him, and right for the baby. But still, this anger! I don't know where it is coming from and why. I guess probably because all I wanted to hear were these words: "let's keep it."

I went to my first appointment and they asked me how sure I was. That sent my mind running and running again. It was a bad day! I scheduled the actual abortion for two days later. He told me he would pay for it. We were having some financial problems and money was tight. He had the money but wanted me to wait so he could pay rent. I told him absolutely not. It had to be done soon! I was extremly sick and the emotional worry was eating at me. So the day came and my friend ended up taking me. He told me that he had to work that day but he could get it off if needed. I told him that there is no sense in both of us taking work off. So my friend took me and ended up in the room with me.

It was the most terrible thing I have ever done. I am really glad I found this site-- I guess this is the first time really talking about it! I don't talk about it with him. I don't know why. I am happy with my choice but at the same time not so happy!