I was in disbelief. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we made a mistake once and that was all it took. We are in love but I began to sink into a dark depression that i couldn't shake and i began to say horrible things to him and start fights. I started cutting myself and stopped taking care of myself.

we had makeup sex from a meaningless fight and he came inside me. I freaked out and yelled at him. I kept asking him to go buy me plan b. he never bought it we forgot about it. I never had a period and i began to freak out again. "when was my last period?" "I can't believe this is happening?" so we bought pregnancy tests and they all came up blank.

so i waited. i went to the doctors but i kept avoiding to ask for a pregnancy test. I had a rash and a wart and i have a fever and a back ache. it was getting ridiculous. I called and went and made up excuses and said it could be stress but the nurse told me the test was positive and within the week i would have to decide abortion or not.

I wanted to kill myself, i still do. I couldn't bear to have anyone else take care of my baby and i know that i would just mess up her life. i would love her or him to death, but i just don't want to struggle with my children. I want to give them everything they need.

I had dreams of a baby girl with kinky hair and green eyes and copper skin. I named her penny in the dream. I was holding her hand or rocking her in my arms. Then i started to cry and the baby melted. when i told my boyfriend my dream he started to cry and then followed by mapping out a plan of how he would finish up college in one semester and take out a loan and get an apartment for us etc. I told him i loved him but i knew what i needed to do.

I needed to know if my insurance would cover the procedure. i called my mom and made up a phony story about a kidney stone and that i needed to go to the hospital and i needed my insurance card. she knew i was lying and i told her i was pregnant. She said things like "i knew it," and "i'm a failure to you." i told her i loved her and i made a decision of getting an abortion. she said she didn't like that idea, but she supported me. She eventually told my dad and he sent me text messages about how not to feel ashamed or embarrassed. to forget the whole thing and to learn from my mistakes. i love my parents and i feel like now i can tell them anything.

the clinic was an hour away from my college. i had to find a car or a ride. we looked up bus routes and taxis. my boyfriend asked his best friend and he said no problem. We got a ride and i was so blessed that he didn't judge me or ask questions. he just sang beyonce songs to me. I got there and i believed i would be getting an abortion by pills. i spent 4 hours believing i wouldn't have to go through anything too invasive. I went into see the counselor and she just started talking, and then handed me papers to sign and pills to swallow. she said wait a half and hour and we will call you back in. they called me in and asked me to take my pants off. she put a blanket around my shoulders. the doctor came in and started telling me that no one wants to be here but women deserve a safe procedure. She said i was a good women. I lay down and they gave me pain killers. i felt drunk. She said the machine would be loud but it wouldn't hurt. I felt cramps and was uncomfortable. the nurse held my hand and talked about her dogs.

It was over and i could put my pants back on. I walked into a room with leather chairs and they asked if i wanted a coke or ginger ale. I stole a cookie but i took one bite and realized how stale it was. I was the last to leave. there was a woman who was vomiting and heaving in a bathroom. they asked me to go use a different bathroom so i could tell them how much i'm bleeding. I wasn't feeling nauseous or had any bleeding. so they let me leave. i met my boyfriend and i told him we could go home now. We sat outside waiting for our ride and i told my boyfriend that a woman was heaving in there and i felt horrible. after i said that i felt sick. we ran back inside and i started to puke in the bathroom. i took off my pants and there was blood everywhere. I changed my pants and put a new pad on. My boyfriend was just rubbing my back and holding my hair. I love him for that. so i walked out of the office with high socks and shorts that said cutie and had little ducks all over them.

Our friend found us and i sat in the back and slept for an hour till we got back to campus. He dropped me off at my building and i slept for hours. My boyfriend came back and we got eggplant parm and meatball heros and watched a movie.

this week is finals week. i started with six classes at the beginning of the semester. depression hit me and i dropped two classes because i was failing them. i stopped going to one of them. i have two finals this week. i am not prepared at all. I'm smart though, even though the grammar in this "essay" is atrocious. i'm sure i will at least get a C or a B. thats all i need. I'm transferring next semester. I'm a sophomore in college, an artist, a lover, a movie watcher and book lover. I am pro-choice.