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I had been having this emotional affair with my brothers’ best friend for two years now, and I loved him deeply. I hid it from everyone-- not one soul knew of us, he was of a different race then I and my family would never approve. It started off casual but it grew so intense, people would ask about us and I would deny it to no end. Honestly, to date I don’t know why I put so much grievance into what others thought.

We almost always used protection, except a few times, but in late May I started feeling so sick in the morning... was always tired and my breasts were so tender. I realized I hadn’t had my period since the beginning of April. I knew I was pregnant. I told him and I bought a test. He slept over that night, so I could take the test in the morning. I took it and three minutes later my world flipped upside down. I cried hysterically for a few hours but started to think maybe it’s wrong. He just sat there looking at me.

I called my OB-GYN to schedule an appointment to hopefully confirm I wasn’t pregnant. I was able to get in three days later. That day I showed up and they asked if I wanted to come back another day because the doctor was running an hour and a half behind. I couldn’t fathom waiting any more days, so I decided to stay and wait. They instructed me to pee in a cup, then sent me back in the waiting room. As I sat there and waited, I saw tons of pregnant women walking in and out, and I was freaking out inside. What was I going to tell my family, what will people think of me? I had denied this for so long and now here I am.

Finally, I got called back to sit in the exam room. The nurse walks in with a big smile and says, “Congratulations!” I just looked and her and burst into tears. I couldn’t compose myself enough to even speak to her at this point. The poor nurse didn’t know what to do. She asked if I knew I had options, if this was unplanned, and I told her I didn’t believe in abortion. She asked why I was crying. I told her my family would never accept this, and I wasn’t sure the father wanted it.

At this point, I decided to keep my baby with or without anyone else. They told me my estimated due date was January 10th, 2012. When I left the doctor's office, I called the father and told him that it had been confirmed, and he said well I’m here either way (At this time he had no job, lived with his parents, no car, nothing), but this is gonna be hard. I told him if he didn’t want to be there, he didn’t have to. The next few weeks were so hard; I was constantly sick, crying all the time because I was scared what my family was going to do.

Well him being my brother's best friend, he mentioned something to my brother who proceeded to tell a few people and... well, you get the picture. One day before I knew anyone knew, I went to my mom's and I walked in and she says, I heard that you were pregnant. I couldn’t deny it, I just started crying. All she said was, “You have options.” I told her that I didn’t want that. I was going to raise it. She was actually supportive. I finally realized I had to tell the rest of my family before anyone else did. I went to my aunt first (we have always been so close). I told her what I had done with who and she just cried and said she wanted so much more for me and wishes I would reconsider my decision.

About three days later, me and the father were fighting so much because of the whole situation. He told me he didn’t want anything to do with me or my baby. I was sitting at the park, crying, watching all these children playing, and I just realized I couldn’t do it. My phone rang, and it was my older cousin my aunt had told her and she asked if I was sure I didn’t want to ‘take care of the pregnancy’ and if money was a problem to not worry about it. I told her ok, I would go through with the abortion, but didn’t want anyone to know. She made the appt, took me, paid for the entire thing, then brought me to her house to heal.

That day was one of the hardest of my life. The image of the ultra sound is forever burned into my memory. The procedure was quick, but I felt so empty leaving that clinic. I cried groggy tears all the way to my cousins. Everyone, except my cousin and aunt, who knew about the pregnancy, believes I had a miscarriage, including the father. Because of this entire thing being so secretive, I had have a lot of issues healing... I regret it most days and with my due date recently passing it hasn’t got any easier. Part of me wants to go back and change it all, but deep down inside I know it was the right thing to do.