I was 28 when I had my first abortion. I was "of age" I guess but still felt very young and immature. I had just started a new job, fresh out of graduate school and had just discovered I was in a horrible relationship. In the process of moving out of my boyfriend's house, I was inconsistent with my birth control pills. It happened one night during a drunken trip down memory lane. I remember him saying right after "I just got you pregnant" chuckling and then rolling over. He was right.

I couldn't get an abortion fast enough and had it done at six weeks. I felt relieved mostly after it was over. For many years after though I have thought about that child and the age he/she would have been. Not so much with regret but with curiosity about what might have been.

I had a second abortion one year and two months ago. I was devastated. At the age of 35 I had grown up a lot and had been dating a wonderful man for about three months while working towards my PhD. The very first time we had sex it happened. Two weeks prior to our first encounter I had visited my gynocologist because of irregular periods. I broke down in her office as she told me if I wanted to have children I would have to start thinking about it soon but if there was no one serious in my life we could discuss in vitro. I never imagined I could be pregnant; I didn't even think I was ovulating. I had an ultra sound reveal that I had what looked to be a fibroid tumor in my uterus about four weeks later. I began feeling bad and on a whim thought I would get a pregnancy test "just to check." I couldn't stop shaking and crying when the two lines showed up.

After telling him he co-signed my fears and stated that we were just starting a relationship, it was too soon, I had to finish my doctorate first, etc... Still unsure, I went along with his strong wishes and had an abortion. I remember the technician showing me the embryo sack in the ultrasound picture and fighting to stick with my decision. The untrained technician actually asked me what happened. I just stared at her blankly and in disbelief. When I admitted I hadn't used protection, she told me I was old enough to know better. I just retreated after that and let the Valium take control.

I am still in a relationship with this man. He is wonderful and someone I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. My friends all have kids, my sister has kids, he has kids from a prior marriage. I wonder all the time if I will ever be blessed like that again or will I be punished for not having the courage to see it through...

We all make decisions at that particular time in our lives for one reason or another, most are usually rational and make sense. We have to keep moving forward not living in the past but learning from it. This is what I meditate about. It works most days.