Browse stories

I wish I had "a story" but sadly I have three. The first one took place when I was 18, away at college, and with a guy 10 years older than me but 10 years less mature. He told me flat out: I am not going to have any part of a child's life if you do not have an abortion. Four weeks later, I pilled my mind out and went for the abortion. I didn't cry once. I felt relieved it was over but so sad for the girl next to me, sobbing. I left feeling selfish and sad that I couldn't release those kinds of emotions.

I married later that year and in the four-year span of the marriage, I had two beautiful and bright children. After being cheated on and watching my husband squander away our money on gambling and drugs, I packed my babies up and moved back home with my mother. I tried to go out and be social. I started sleeping with a guy who was everything I have ever wanted in a guy, and was very content with the relationship we had.

That is, until I found out five months into it that I was pregnant. My divorce was not even final. If my soon to be ex-husband found this out, he could get full custody of our children. I didn't tell the guy I was dating. My plan was to have the abortion and never tell him. But one day the whole story spewed out of me and we didn't speak for a week. Eventually we talked and agreed that neither of us were ready to have a child.

I was very confident in my decision at the time. My two children would never have the life I wanted them to have if I brought another child into the equation. It was the ONLY answer for me. My "boyfriend," for lack of a better word, and I eventually started seeing each other again and things were much better. We were nervous about having sex and tried to use protection every time, but it seems trying wasn't good enough because barely two months after my abortion, I wound up pregnant again.

It could not be happening. I just kept asking why? How? Who let's this happen? I felt like the scum of the earth. I felt like a horrible human being, irresponsible, worthless, and most of all like I was letting down all of my friends and family. (Please keep in mind I never told any of them about ANY of my abortions. I always went through this alone.) During that pregnancy, I learned that my boyfriend was being relocated by his company and had very little time left in our state.

I couldn't stand to go back to the same clinic. So, we picked a weekend, drove to the next state over and for the third time in my short life, I terminated a pregnancy. This time, I just don't know. I know I was doing what was best for my little family but I feel scarred, torn, hurt, and beaten by everything that is good in life.