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I took a pregnancy test while my friend was on the phone and I lied to her when the test came out positive. I don't know why but I couldn't say I was actually pregnant. Me! The girl in grad school for public health who has preached over and over again the importance of birth control and here I was pregnant. And alone. I hung up and just sat there on the bathroom floor figuring out the next logical step; a rational way to handle this. I decided that I'd take a few days to figure out where I'd get the abortion because why wouldn't I get an abortion?

A couple of days later I bled. A lot. To the point where I was convinced it was a miscarriage and I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled because it was all figured out for me. But, of course, I realized about a week later that it wasn't a miscarriage after all and I felt sick all over again. I hadn't breathed a word of any of this to anyone. I told my ex-boyfriend but he never reacted and it was left at me having an abortion.

I went to Planned Parenthood and the woman asked me if I was sure I really wanted the abortion and I asked, "Do I really have any other choice?". The woman said I could consider adoption or parenting and then asked me if anyone was pressuring me to be here that day to set up an abortion and I said, "Yes, society." The woman told me to think about it some more before I scheduled anything and I listened.

Both abortion and adoption appealed to me. I knew I couldn't raise a kid but I didn't know if I could give the baby to another family or if I could just never let it be. I met with an adoption counselor who was extremely helpful and informative but she said they'd have to call my ex, which I did NOT want to happen. I needed his signature. Just a simple signature. His signature didn't mean I'd definitely go through with the adoption; it just meant that I really could choose between adoption and abortion. I scheduled an appointment for an abortion and told the adoption counselor to call him -- I left my options open.

He was called. He denied the possibility of me being pregnant and then went into a rage. I'm not sure if I can blame him or not, and I regret more than anything saying I had an abortion when I couldn't go through with it. After he calmed down, he coerced me into speaking to him, was extremely nice to me, and then wore me down to agree to the abortion. He said he would help and that he wanted to help. He was nice to me right up until I called him after the abortion. Right away he asked me, "Is it gone?", and I said "Yes", he was angry all over again. Very unlike his character but I don't know. He never helped me in anyway and has never apologized for his actions and words or the actions and words of his friends either.

Some days I do feel manipulated into the abortion but other days I know that's the decision I would have made anyway. It's hard to believe I ever hesitated considering how liberal and leftist I am. I guess you never really know how you'll react in a situation until you're actually in it.