I always wanted children. I knew I would be a great mom but when I found out I was pregnant it was as if reality hit me straight on. For some strange reason I always thought I was unable to have a baby. It was so easy for me to judge others but when it's you, things change. When my period didn't come I knew something was up. I took a pregnancy test and sure enough there were those double pink lines. I called my boyfriend of four years to talk but I got his voicemail. I wasn't gonna tell him on the phone so I made my way to his house.
On the bus ride over to his house everything seemed to move in slow motion-- except for a woman who looked my age, talking on her cell phone with two children in tow. They were so cute, until the little boy started throwing this glass toy onto the ground. The mom didn't stop to pick it up,she just kept on talking on her cellphone. Passengers on the bus kept picking up the toy each time he threw it. That could never be me, I thought. What was I gonna do?
About 80% of me was sure I wanted a baby and I knew my boyfriend would agree. When I got to his house I ran upstairs and told him we have to talk. He had company but told me he would be right there. I said hello to his mother and then went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. He came into the bathroom and held me. It comforted me. I showed him the test with those dark pink lines. He took my face in both hands and told me not to cry. We knew this could happen. We just never knew what we would do when the situation presented itself. He took me out to dinner, I was so hungry and we celebrated. We talked and were sure we would have a baby.
The next day reality set it and I went from 80% to 40%. I was going into my second year of grad school, I didn't have a stable job, he didn't have a stable job, and he was working on finishing his undergrad degree. Timing just wasn't right for a baby. How would I support a child when I can barely support myself? What if he leaves? What will I do then? No way, I want to be prepared.
My boyfriend and I talked it over and he left the decision in my hands. He said he would support me either way, which was a great help. I went to the doctor who confirmed I was four weeks pregnant and at five weeks exactly I had an abortion by medication. It was the most intense thing I have ever experienced. But after being pregnant and having an abortion, I have a newfound respect for my body and a newfound respect for women in general. It's amazing how a woman's body can change and produce life and then nurture and support that life.
I am still healing and at times I cry when I think about my decision, but I know it was not my time to bring someone amazing into this world. When the time is right, it will happpen again and I will be ready. In the meantime, I am a nanny/student and enjoy the presence of children. That makes me happy and I'm living my life. I just want to be happy and healthy and right now I'm both. Be strong. Peace and Love.