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January 2, 2014

To anyone who is pregnant, young or older and not sure what to do, I urge you and beg you to read my true story. Maybe you're not pregnant and just reading stories on here and if so, please feel free to share my story and take it to heart. When I was 20 years old, I became pregnant and like many, I was scared and not sure what to do. I listened to family members who told me that I had my whole life ahead of me and that having the baby would "ruin" my life. One family member even told me that I would get big and fat, that nobody (including my boyfriend), would want to be with me and would go elsewhere.

I had an ultrasound at only 5 weeks along and could clearly see the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, as small as it was. I was touched by this and so was my mom (grandma), witnessed it as well. However, as time went on, my anxiety, uncertainty, and indecisiveness grew. When I was close to 10 weeks along, I saw another ob/gyn whom a relative recommended who performed abortions on a regular basis. She let me hear the baby's heartbeat loud and clear, telling me that the heartbeat sounded healthy for unborn babies of this age in the womb. I still could not believe in it and was very overwhelmed. She told me that the time was very close to where I needed to decide whether or not to have an abortion since I was getting close to the end of the 1st trimester and the baby was very much developed, despite he/she being about two to three inches in length.

My boyfriend at the time wanted the baby. He would lay his head on my stomach and cry, saying things like, "I'm trying my best to save you." He knew I was very overwhelmed and stressed and was having a very tough time making a decision. He really wanted to be a dad. On January 16, 1996, a relative who felt abortion was the "right" thing to do drove me to the clinic. I was crying the whole way there out of guilt and fear. We first got to a clinic and found out we were at the wrong place. I was still crying as I noticed a very pregnant woman announcing that she was pregnant with twins to someone. I felt then by the delay of arriving at the wrong place that this was one more sign I should not go through with it but...the increasing fear and anxiety of having a baby and the unknown of it all took over once again and we headed to the other place which was a surgical center. I sat in the waiting room and cried. My relative told me comfortingly, "I'm telling you, this is the most loving and caring decision you could make. The quality of life is as important as life itself." Soon they wheeled me in on a gurney, me still being clearly emotional and in tears. Regardless, none of the staff or the doctor asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with this. Had they asked me, I would have said, "no" and walked out.

I was soon in the operating room. I remember seeing clear coiled tubes on a table which my unborn baby would be dismembered and sucked through and I heard cheerful music being played, as if it were just another routine "surgery" about to be performed. I woke up later in the recovery room feeling very drugged and almost in disbelief that my baby was gone. A part of me had wondered if maybe they could have made a mistake and I still had my baby inside of me somehow. When I had to wear pads throughout the day due to the typical bleeding that takes place after an abortion, the reality of the permanent decision I made became all too real.

Meantime, years passed and I discovered something else I least expected which made me realize abortion can kill or harm more than just an unborn baby. A year ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had surgery and radiation and declined chemo, as well as an estrogen receptor blocking drug called tamoxifen because both of these things can damage or destroy fertility and eggs. Being that I am in my late 30's with no children, I just couldn't see myself risking this. I've learned that even with fertility preserving methods such as freezing eggs, success rates are not very high so I made the decision not to go with all recommended treatments.

It's an understatement to say that I regret my decision. Not only did I take an innocent unborn life, but part of my life was robbed as well. My child will never get to call me mom or blow out his/her birthday candles. He/she never had the chance to live because someone else chose for that baby. My child would have been 17 years old last August and I'm 38 now with no children. The father of my baby in heaven has since married and states he will probably never have the opportunity to have children again. I have not tried to get pregnant due to my career not being finished and my relationship situation being up in the air. I've never wanted to have a child out of wedlock and wanted to make sure that if I am blessed enough to become pregnant again, I want it to be the right situation.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my child and what he/she would have looked like or been like personality wise. I always remember the August due date.