Browse stories

I was eighteen years old, and had been with my boyfriend for about 6 months when we found out I was pregnant. I found out on a Tuesday, and the next week I went and had the abortion.

I was raised Catholic and had always been pro-life, but as soon as I found myself in that position, everything changed. My partner and I discussed the options a little, but when we decided we wanted an abortion, that was it. Both our minds were made up and we didn't talk about it any further. At the clinic on September 18, 2007, I found out I was seven weeks three days into my pregnancy. They did the ultrasound, and I asked to see it. Really all I could see was a little dot.

After the abortion, I felt relieved. And my boyfriend and I never talked about it again. Neither one of us knew how to deal with it, and eventually our relationship fell apart. He was seeing other people, and I was still holding on for dear life, even though I knew it was over. When we finally did break up, I fell apart. I absolutely hit rock bottom. The guilt and shame I was expecting to feel right after the abortion just hit me like a ton of bricks. I found that very strange. For two months after the abortion I held myself together, and when we broke up I came apart.

I guess I had told myself that as long as I had my boyfriend, I would be okay. Everything would be okay as long as I had him and as soon as I didn't have him, those feelings hit me. It's been five months since my abortion, and I regret it. I do. In ways I'm glad, but in other ways I'm so sad and hurt. I wish I would've dealt with the feelings. I honestly didn't think I would think about it after it was done, but oh my goodness.

I cannot listen to the song "Brick" by Ben Folds, or "Red Rag Top" by Tim McGraw, because they both just completely describe everything I went through and everything I'm still feeling. I know there was nothing anyone could've said to me to stop me, but I just wish things would've been different somehow. I've since told my parents, and they see how depressed I get sometimes, and the people who know just tell me I've got to let it go. But I have no idea how.

I hate that I feel guilty for a choice I made that I wanted. And I think it's hard for people to understand how I can have named my child and miss my unborn so much that it hurts. It's hard for me to understand. It seems hypocritical that I feel so helpless about a situation that I had control over. I almost feel that the one person who could maybe understand a little of what I'm feeling is the father, but he's too busy with his new life to look back on mistakes of an old one. I guess I just have to deal with this in someway or another, I'm just still trying to figure out how...