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I am bipolar, which is a serious disease with a 50% chance of survival. A serious symptom of bipolar disorder, however taboo and not to be discussed, is a suicidal tendancy. Sexual promiscuity is another symptom. I was 12 years old when I first became ill. I was institutionalized for the first time at 15.

When I was 16, I met a boy who played basketball and liked to party. We went to the movies, out to eat, sometimes I snuck through his window at night. I really loved him. He knew I was mentally ill, but he didn't understand it anymore than I did. I accidently broke up with him in a manic state, about a week before I found out I was pregnant. I had made a promise that if I ever got pregnant, I would have an abortion.

I guess the promise just stuck. So I told the boy, who was 17 then, that I was going to have an abortion... this was a shock to me, but I had said it anyways. I used some money I had recieved for Christmas, and my sister took me to the clinic. I woke up screaming and crying; I couldn't stop crying. My sister took me to a grocery store for some lunch, and then dropped me off at school. I had drool caked to my chin. The boy just didn't really like me after that; he went and played a lot of golf and got a new girlfriend.

Six years later, I was still bipolar, but probably much worse. I had just gotten back from a pilgrimage; I walked from Taos, New Mexico, to Washington D.C. with a Buddhist monk. When I got back, I ran into a different boy that I had made out with one night several years prior and had never forgotten.

We began to have a sexual relationship, and I was really in love with him, but he was cruel and verbally abusive. When I became pregant again, I was so crazy... I just said, I will have an abortion. I changed my mind once, after seeing a tarot reader, but it was too late. He's married to someone else now, with a son. Both times I was six weeks along. I am still mentally ill, severely depressed. I just try and survive.