Browse stories

My name is Negin and I am 25 years old. I had been dating my current partner for only a couple of months when I found out that I was pregnant. The first time we had sex we were very foolish and even though I wasn't on the pill, we had unprotected sex anyway. It was reckless and passionate and an amazing sexual experience. Maybe that's why I got pregnant.

A few weeks later I waited and waited to get my period, and even though I took the morning-after pill it just never came. I felt like I had PMS or something-- crampy and different-- but it never came. By this time, I was away, visiting my family who don't even know I'm dating anyone. I took a pregnancy test in a public washroom for fear of my parents finding out. It was positive.

I felt such a mix of emotions I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I didn't want to have a baby and that I wasn't opposed to abortion. After I went to a doctor for confirmation, I called the father and told him. He was so supportive and wonderful that it's really brought us closer together. He said it was my choice and that whatever I wanted to do, he would support my decision. I told my cousin and arranged to have the abortion done while I was away.

I liked being pregnant. I felt warm and tingly. I felt whole and comforted. I didn't want to wait until after my vacation for fear of changing my mind, or at least for fear of becoming attached to the baby and making the abortion harder. I kept it together and did what I had to do-- clinically, without sentiment or heartbreak. I was relieved when it was over.

The physical recovery took about a month. During that time I felt numb and sort of empty. My boyfriend was very supportive, but I felt like as a man he just couldn't understand, even though he tried to be there for me. After my first period and follow-up appointment, once all the physical stress was relieved, the emotional aches and pains set in. It took me a couple of weeks to realize why I was wanting to cry, why I was feeling depressed... that it was OK to know that I did the right thing, that I made the right choice and don't regret it, but that I was allowed to feel sad and empty and grieve the loss of my first pregnancy.

I never expected it to be this way. My first pregnancy, starting a family, even the start of this relationship, were all suppose to be different. But I guess that's life, and sometimes life is hard...

It's been almost two months since my abortion, but only about two weeks since I've started talking more openly about it, writing about in on a blog - - and sharing my feelings with the faceless world. I've told only a few people. Although it feels good to let it out, I am reminded time and time again that no matter how many people I tell, this is an experience I inevitably have to face alone.