I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We're still together. A year ago we started talking about wanting a baby. I thought I was unable to have children because of the many times we had unprotected sex and nothing ever happened. We felt so terrible about how we may never be able to have a baby in the future. A lot of times I thought I was pregnant because of the symptoms I've had, but nothing was there. I had the greatest fear of being pregnant even though at the same time I felt that it would be the greatest thing that would ever happen to me.
I always thought I had endometriosis because I had severely painful periods. I've had many ultrasounds, but doctors never found anything. On October 8, 2008 I went to get another ultrasound with my mom. The woman who was doing the ultrasound's facial expression concerned me. She straight out said: "You're pregnant!" My mom and I felt really shocked.
I knew I didn't want to keep it. I wasn't ready. She asked me if I wanted to see it. I knew I shouldn't but she turned the screen toward me and I saw a tiny baby. At that moment I felt like bursting into tears of joy. I never felt so happy in my entire life. I could hear the heartbeat already. I was eleven weeks. I couldn't believe a little person was living inside me. I told the woman I wanted to keep it. So I talked to my mom in the ultrasound room, apologizing for being careless. She seemed happy about it.
I called my boyfriend on his cell. He ended up in tears. He had a bad day and hearing this he became scared. He told my I couldn't keep it because it would be too hard. He repeatedly told me "I'm sorry" over and over because he never really wanted to kill our baby. He said it was his fault. But I could've said no to sex. Or I could've had protection. I got home and told my dad. He said I threw my life away and didn't say a word after that. I told my mom that my boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion and was in tears. I held my belly that night,saying, "I love you, my little one." The next day I went over to his house and he still insisted on the abortion. I couldn't help but cry again in front of him. He looked at me and started crying as well and held me. "I'm so sorry, honey," he told me.
I made an appointment to see an abortion provider. The next day my heart told me not to do it. So I took a deep breath and called my boyfriend and told him that I would hate him forever if he made me do this. He decided that he loved me far too much to have me hate him. He canceled the appointment. I was overjoyed and began looking up pregnancy sites. The day after my boyfriend was still very scared out of his mind. He couldn't eat much or do the things he enjoyed. I told him that he is still going to college to do what he wanted to do. He became better and called me his baby mama. I told my parents that I was going to keep the baby. They were so relieved and happy. They took me shopping for basic baby stuff and maternity clothes.
Boy, the nausea I had been through. Later in the day I felt so depressed. I looked at pregnant women and baby stuff and felt distant toward it. I didn't think that mood swings would kick in by now, so I thought to myself that this was a bad idea. I wanted an abortion. My parents were devastated and heartbroken took all the baby stuff back. And I scheduled the appointment again and told my boyfriend. He was happy but still very sad that he would lose his baby. He wasn't emotionally ready. On October 18th I left with my boyfriend and his mom to the clinic. He held my hand as we drove all the way there. We were both very scared. When we got there women protesting about abortion flooded near the clinic. A woman came up to the car saying I didn't have to go through with this. My boyfriend and I held each other until I was called.
It was time. I walked in, took the tests, and before I knew it I was on the table. I was given the anesthesia and fell asleep immediately. I woke up in a different room with the other women who've been operated on. I knew my baby was no longer inside me. I felt a depressing emptiness. I left the recovery room and saw my boyfriend waiting with a worried look on his face. He hugged me and we left. I was dead inside. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt such hatred toward myself. I couldn't sleep at night and I cried constantly. I wanted my baby back. It didn't have to be this way. I regret doing this. That baby was my gift from god.