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I had always believed that you only got an abortion if you had been raped or there was something wrong with the child-- that it wouldn't be able to lead a healthy, normal life. This is what I was taught throughout school. I believed that all children should come within marriage, with two people that loved each other very much. I also believed that an unwanted pregnancy should not be aborted, but that you had to deal with the consequences of your actions. How my opinion changed once I found myself in that position.

I was so naive when I look back. I was twenty years old and I had a boyfriend that I loved him so much. I just always had a feeling that something wasn't right with us. I was on the Depo Provera injection as contraception. The nurse had booked my next appointment for the injection in December, but [the office] ended up being closed for Christmas. Because I had been unable to get the injection to keep me covered, we used condoms. Accidents do happen, I find.

I found out that I was pregnant. How could I be when we used condoms? None had split. My first reaction was joy! I was so happy that I was going to be a Mum. To have a baby. Then I thought of my father, then of my boyfriend, who so happened to be away, sailing. When my boyfriend came back, I told him and we agreed to definitely get married. On the 5th of February, my fiance, as he now was, took me out shopping all day and cooked me a meal that evening before taking me out on a double date with his cousin and her fiance. We celebrated our engagement and the pregnancy.

However at the end of the evening as we were sat in the taxi driving back, his mobile rang and he said to someone that he loved them and couldn't wait to marry them. I was shocked. I couldn't believe what he was saying. I'd had a nagging that he may have been doing the dirty on me but I was never able to prove it. With him pestering me to get married, and then us both agreeing to it, I didn't think that he still would be. I got out of the taxi and stormed off, still in shock and unable to comprehend what I had just heard. Later, I saw him and asked him so many questions. Got the truth out of him. He was engaged to be married in the March to someone that he already had a child with. I knew he had a child with her as he told me and I knew that he kept in contact for his child's sake. They weren't together when we had met, but had got back together over Christmas. In the background of this happening, it had circulated round the family that I was engaged and that I was pregnant.

My father had already mentioned abortion to me. I didn't really know that much about it. Did I want my baby? Did I want to chase him for money and have a constant reminder of my heartache? Did I want to struggle as a single parent? I was so confused and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. A couple of people came forward and admitted to having an abortion but they were so hesitant about talking about it that I never really knew that much about it. He admitted that he didn't want the baby or me once we came back from the wedding. To be honest, it was like I had always known that was what he was going to say.

I spoke to my doctor who was so against abortion, I asked to see someone else. If he didn't want the baby then neither did I. That sounds so harsh but I don't mean for it to be. I also had the other reasons as before mentioned. I booked myself in for an abortion for March 18th-- a week after his wedding to the other girl.

I wanted to run screaming out of the hospital. I wanted a cuddle more than anything else though. There weren't any forthcoming. The last thing my father said before he left me in the waiting room was "At least this will teach you to be careful." I hated him so much when he said that. I wanted to scream at him that I was careful. I had used every precaution. I knew that he wouldn't believe me though. I knew that no one would believe me. No one did.

I remember that there was building work going on at the stairs to where the reception was. Everyone was there for the same reason. We didn't look at each other. When I did catch someone's eye, I knew I was looking at a reflection of myself but with different features. I could see the shame all across their faces. The nurses looked at me with pity or compassion. I had brought a book with me to read, and for the life of me I can't remember what it was. I didn't read it. All I did was look out the window, watching the clouds and wishing that I was anywhere but there.

I think it was just after 2pm that she told me to get undressed and make myself ready on the bed. How do you make yourself ready I thought? I was wheeled into a room where they had painted dolphins on the ceiling. I could feel the generel anesthetic working. I remember saying to the doctor and nurse who were in the room with me that oxygen from the oxygen mask didn't taste very nice. They were asking me what my favourite drink was and I remember laughing as I didn't have a favourite drink, although I did tell them I had been drinking a lot of milk lately.

The next thing I knew I was being woken up by a nurse. Later on, I was told to get dressed. I sat up gingerly, there was blood everywhere. It was surreal. I called a nurse who said that I was okay and cleaned everything up. I changed pads and got dressed. My father picked me up, he acted like nothing unusual had happened. I tried to do the same but all I wanted to do was eat something and sleep.

This isn't the end of my story but I can't write anymore. My ex-fiance is long gone from my life. I still think of him, but more with pity than anything else. I have found who my real friends are in this life and I am so glad to have them as friends. I am only just now stepping out into the meat market of singledom, for a possibility of a new relationship. There is one on the horizon and I am seeing how it goes.