I want to share my story because as I went through this, I couldn't find many that were like mine. I want to share in the hopes that it helps at least one other woman feel less alone.
My husband and I spent about 12 months trying to conceive. I was never really 100% on board with the idea of children, but I figured this was part of marriage and I knew my husband would be a good father. After actively planning and trying, we were unable to conceive. I saw a gynecologist who performed an ultrasound that showed some sort of potential blockage on one of my tubes. She said she couldn't be certain without further diagnosis if this was what was holding us back, but it was likely rendering me infertile. My husband and I were not committed to the financial and emotional costs of further tests, surgeries, and procedures, so we decided that it wasn't meant to be.
After three and a half years of marriage, I eventually realized I was no longer happy married to my husband, due in part to meeting someone new. This new someone was my ideal partner -- and I his -- but he too was married. Each of us had come independently to the conclusion that we were married to the wrong people and wanted to be together. In light of my previous diagnosis, I never got back on the pill and we were frequently intimate without protection.
Soon I realized I wasn't getting all my usual period symptoms - no bloating, no crankiness, and I got out of breath very quickly during my morning runs (something that never happens). About 3 days after I expected my period to show up, I took a dollar store pregnancy test. That second line came up so quick! I didn't want to believe it and spent most of that day in denial. The next morning, I took another digital test. In roughly 30 seconds "pregnant" popped up. I was so overwhelmed.
I didn't wait more than a couple hours before I told him. We sat and talked for several hours, discussing our options, crying, and wishing ourselves out of this situation. We are both still married (separated, but not yet divorced). He already has two school-age children. And to boot we were both recently laid off. Despite our love and our wish beyond anything to bring a baby into our lives, there was no way we could manage it. Never mind the fact that we would never be the same as a couple, that we would inherently be bringing more stress into an already stressful situation. We agreed to sleep on it, but I think our minds were pretty much made up that morning we would terminate.
I spent most of the intervening week a complete emotional basketcase. Even at 5 weeks, I was hyper-emotional, fatigued, occasionally nauseous, and gassy. I couldn't run. I didn't feel like myself. And this weight on me didn't make any of this any easier. Even though he and I were on the same page, I felt so alone.
Since I was so early, I was able to have the medical (pill) abortion. I was so nervous about how painful it would be and if I would ever emotionally get over what we were about to do. I read that most women felt "relief" after an abortion, but I couldn't fathom feeling anything but anguish, regret, and depressed.
The clinic took my vitals, an ultrasound, some blood work, and counseled me on how to take the pills, what to expect, and where to call if something went awry. The staff were very matter-of-fact: no judgement, no "are you sure?", just care like in any other doctor's office. By far the most comforting thing was seeing all the other women there that day. There were another 6 women in that morning for the medical and another 5 for surgical, all of us from different walks of life and circumstances.
I took the first pill there in the office. Quickly after I felt a little warm, a little like getting a fever but I didn't have one. I slept horribly that night wondering how bad the next day would be.
24 hours later I took the second set of pills, which were suppositories. About 90 minutes later I could feel cramping start. The pain lasted in varying intensity for about 8 more hours, peaking at one point about 2-3 hours after it first started. I felt nauseous and no one position felt better than any other. The best thing I could do was take some Tylenol and breathe through it. There was one point -- but only one -- where it got so intense I thought I was going to cry.
The pain eventually subsided and I was able to sleep that night. I woke up the next morning finally feeling myself for the first time in nearly two weeks. No pain, no cramping, and minimal bleeding. I didn't think it possible, but I really *was* relieved. I was so scared of the process, of the unknown.
I'm glad I had the option to take the pills at home and induce a miscarriage in lieu of a surgical procedure. I know that this was the best decision for me and for my relationship, for him, for his kids, and for the future we plan to have.
Whatever your circumstance, know you are not alone and you will get through this.