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I feel like a monster.

I was a young student trying to my a life for myself when I found out I was pregnant. I was in a new relationship, finishing school and my life changed.

I always knew I didn't want children where I was in my life. I had no job, no money, nor did my partner. I didn't want to be a young mother; living off the help of parents and family members on my partner side.

I always knew I didn't want children where I was in my life. I was selfish, young and selfish. I didn't believe I would love a child that was my own just because it came from me. That meant nothing to me. Love is something that needs to be earn not given away. Not only did I feel that way, but I didn't want the attention off on me from my partner if I did have this child.

I feel like a monster to say that but it's true.

I wasn't mentally ready.

During the time I was pregnant I had terrible migraines everyday. I would cry myself to sleep from them. I would hate the smell of most food, I couldn't smell or eat anything fried. My body was always in pain.

This thing inside me was more like a monster then a blessing.

I couldn't physically take it.

I wasn't happy about it. I wish I was. I wish I would have felt something from it but I felt nothing but disgust from my pregnancy.

It was like a tumor that needed to go away that was going to kill me if it continued to grow. Sucking the life out of me.

I was unable to go to class because of the pain. I missed so many days of school. My relationship became a battlefield of emotions, one day my partner understood the next he would push the idea of a child back into his mind, hurting us both.

My mother was the most help. She told me something that let me understand my partner.

"Men don't understand what's going on with a woman when she's pregnant because they're only going through the emotional part and not the physical."

It was true.

I don't know what my partner thought, I can only hope that it was understood.

I do feel like a monster still.

I never had a motherly glow or warmth to the idea of a child.

I wish I knew why but I was to logical with the idea.

We weren't ready. It's as simple as that.

I was 7 weeks when I had the abortion. After I had it I was cramping as I had forgotten how my body was during my period but it was better then before.

I had always wondered what happen to "it". Did they throw "it" out? Or did they give "it" to research? I would like to think "it" helped someone in stem cell research.

I say "IT" because "it" meant nothing to me. It logically wasn't a person, just cells. Some people might say "It had finger nails."... So can a tumor. A tumor can have nails, teeth and hair but people don't keep it because it's a living thing. It could kill them, like a child.

My sister had a child. His nails cut open her bladder lining while she was giving birth to him and she almost died.

I am not anti-children. I believe in foster and adoption.

I would foster and adopt, like my close friend was and family members were.

I don't believe in giving life when so many children have no home, no love or no family. I can't give life to something I don't like I'll love. If I don't live/want "it" and give it away, what are the chances someone will want it?

There are approximately 400,500 children in foster care in the United States. It's estimated that 104,000 are eligible for adoption.

In 2011, an estimated 50,516 children were adopted from foster care.

In 2011, 68% of children were adopted by married couples; 32% were adopted by single parents.

Median age of child in foster care waiting to be adopted: 8 years.

Race/ethnicity of children in foster care: 40% Caucasian, 28% African-American, 22% Hispanic, 10% other.

Each year, about 26,000 children age out of foster care.

With those facts why would I want to add another child into the pool. No. I can't.

In another light. I may not be a complete monster for I wanted to save a child from a struggling, unhappy, unloved and hard life.

I will never know what could have happen or what am I really. All I know is that I was once with child and now I'm not... And I don't regret it.