I've had two abortions and am contemplating a third.

I was 18 and living with my boyfriend at the time. I was on the pill but had had to double up a couple of times that month. We found out before an Art History exam I was studying for. I told him I just felt different even though I hadn't missed a period. We took the test which was positive but we convinced each other that the test was wrong and that we would have to get a test from my MD for it to be accurate. My OBGYN brought in the results with a baby bag and a big smile "congratulations!" I just cried. My boyfriend did not want a child but I wanted to have it. I told my mom who urged me to have an abortion and warned that if I had the child, she would not help me in any way. I went through with it and felt extreme guilt for months after. I would cry for no reason, think about how old the child would be, etc. But I told myself I would NEVER do it again.

Fast forward: I'm 26 and in a very fast-paced competitive doctorate program. I had just found out that my boyfriend of almost a year was addicted to cocaine. We only had sex one time that month and I had completely written him off. I thought that I didn't start my period because I was so stressed with school. When I took the test I was pissed off. I found my boyfriend who said that he wanted to have it and that it would help him to be clean. I thought it would be a horrible environment for a child. I also selfishly did not want to give up my doctorate program. When I went to the clinic for an evaluation, the nurse performed the ultrasound and told me that the ultrasound was abnormal and it wouldn't result in a viable birth anyway. Made my decision even easier, I went through with it the next day. I was very emotional and regretful immediately after. But after a month or two, I was so happy with my decision and felt almost no regret after that.

Now, I'm 30. I honestly feel good about the previous decisions. I realize that I am lucky and am thankful that I have been able to make the decision for my own body and self.

But I'm pregnant again and I don't think I'm ready to have a baby. I have a great career and make a decent living. I've always said I wanted children, but again I am pregnant and don't know what to do. I like my life as it is. Having a baby would mean quitting my great job (where I make more $ than my bf) to move across the US to live with my boyfriend. I don't know if I can go through with another abortion. If I do, will I ever be able to conceive when I am ready? What if I'm never ready? I have about two weeks to decide.....