How does one start with a story such as this?

Met him when I was 18. He was my prom date through a mutual friend. I instantly found a connection and sense of familiarity with his personality, charm and humor, so we hit it off. Didn't take long until I began to love him and would do anything for him. He became my sole focus. We had fun that first summer together staying up at his parents lake home, hanging out on the boat with his sisters and friends, fourth of July parties-- it was great. I wanted to be with him forever.

I went off to college quite a ways away, yet still in MN after that summer, and was heart-broken. All I thought about was him. We would still talk every once in awhile, but didn't see each other much at all. Then I started receiving crazy phone calls from his ex-, but to spare you the details, I will choose not to go into that. Due to the financial limitations I experienced that year at college, I applied to another college back home, so that I could continue my education with the comfort of being back within familiar territory and, of course, with him.

Things were not quite as open, or the same between us, upon his return. His drinking, drug use and making money were his sole priorities in life. Not to mention his problems staying monogamous, as the calls/threats continued and as I would learn from friends of others. It was crazy because I loved him so much and so deeply wanted him. He would always say, "No matter what happens, know I love you," but damn that got hard, and his dirty laundry continued to get aired out there for all to see. I began to wonder if he would ever come back around to being the guy I first met.

At first we would have intercourse without a condom and he would make comments: "Why don't you ever get pregnant?" I was like, "Ummm I don't know." During that time, I was pretty much playing Russian Roulette. Then, one day he called me to come over in the middle of the night. I had just woke up from a dream of holding a baby girl in a blanket. Needless to say, I was nauseous the whole car ride over. When I got there, I explained to him my symptoms and we just knew. I finalized it with a pregnancy test and broke the news while lying in bed with him. Not much of an answer except for a look of fear in his eyes. The next day he seemed much more chipper and actually somewhat excited, stating that abortion was not an option. Wow, that made me feel good :)

Except then the ex (who was still in the picture) picked up on the news and went absolutely nuts. I was slowly losing contact with him. He was not answering my calls, and I got little support from my mom. I was a big bag of hurt/depressed/numb emotions. So, after racking my brain and trying to learn of resources for a single mother sending myself through school while attempting to raise my child, I desperately/anxiously gave up the fight. There was nothing out there and I had no one there for me except for my dad, so I just made the appointment, got the money from him for the abortion (which he gave to his friend to give me) and I made the appointment. I asked him if he would go and he blew it off, so my daddy took me :)

After the procedure I screamed and yelled at one of the protesters outside the clinic. I asked her if she had a life other than standing out her on this curb protesting, she said, Yes, as I angrily proceeded to say, "Oh really well then get the fuck out of here!" Excuse my language. Unfortunately I wanted this child and was heartbroken as I was in love with him. After this incident, we both seemed to feel a strong connection with each other despite the decision. We saw each other off and on, but it continued to be hard, because I knew he was unfaithful. Hey, I was young and dumb. Oh, but there is more...

A couple years after this incident I was lying with him in bed and he says to me, "Let's make a baby." And I am like, "Oh dear, I can't trust him and how could I go through with that again?" Sure enough, yes, we did it again folks. 23 years old (previous one at 21), middle of college and, yes, again, prego. I think you can guess what happened again... They ain't kidding when they talk of young girls being naive, because I was that girl. Well, I went through with another abortion alone, with my dad-- it was pretty much like the previous one, but worse.

Needless to say, I have learned my lesson. In my heart, God and I know I wanted to have those children, because I was in love, but I did not have the resources and obvious support to do so. Today I love my unborn children and can't wait to see their little faces in heaven. Mommy apologizes and will explain everything :(

Since then, I don't have contact with this individual. I acquired my degree and have a wonderful/rewarding career. I have learned never to place a man before yourself, your body is your temple, and we must cherish it like God does. Never again will a man fool, cheat, or lie to me and if he does, he is gone. I run this ship now and have become liberated and empowered as a woman with a strong voice from these experiences. I am currently waiting for the one that deserves my love, but I must not and will never forget to love MYSELF FIRST!