I am 27 and a year and a half ago I had my first abortion. I didn't realise I was pregnant because I was still having my period but I had become very ill. I couldn't stop being sick and I was working 12 to 16 hours a day so I thought I was just wearing myself out.
One night my partner asked me to do a test so I did and when I see the results I just cried my eyes out, he was so happy but I had told him already I didn't want children yet as I couldn't afford to be out of work as I lived by myself and I didn't feel ready.
I ended up booking a termination, but I still had my doubts from finding out I was pregnant to having the termination-- it took about a week, and it all happened so fast I didn't really have time to over think it.
After it I become very quiet and just worked a lot, I split up with my partner because he was angry all the time and I stopped talking to anyone. I felt so guilty and felt like I had made a rushed decision because I was scared of all the changes, I was upset because part of me felt like I had made a mistake.
Now I find myself pregnant again. I have become very ill and it was unplanned. I am starting a new job in 2 months and I live by myself and still can't afford to be out of work, I don't live near my family or friends and am starting to panic again as I'm having some issues and am scared that I might lose it anyway, but I can imagine me being a mum and raising a child the thought of it makes me smile.
I don't want to make a decision I will regret, but I have booked a termination so that I have time to make my decision.
I was so upset last time and it still upsets me now, so what kind of person am I to be making that same choice again? I am so scared and I don't want to be a single mum, no job and homeless or living in a b&b that the council will end up giving me. I have been self reliant since I was 17 and my life is just starting to move forward in my career. I know this makes me extremely selfish but I feel really torn.
Fingers crossed the decision I make is the right one, but right now I feel like whatever decision I make will destroy part of me.