It was two weeks before I would be starting my senior year of college. I had just found out I was going to be interning at a nonprofit organization that works with teen moms. I was excited for my busy year and everything that was to come. I remember two weeks before taking the test, I started to feel really dizzy all the time, I had no energy. I knew something was wrong but I was too afraid to do anything about it. My roommate and I always get our periods around the same time. A week after she had gotten hers and I still hadn’t gotten mine, I knew it was time to take a test.
I had spent the day with friends and all I could think about was going home and peeing on a stick. I had to get it over with. I walked into my house and told my roommates what was going on. They of course said it was dumb, I was overreacting. Two lines instantly appeared. At least I didn’t have to wait for the results. The instant lines made us all question whether the test was accurate or not. I made my roommates go to the store and get more. Once again, instantly, 2 perfectly clear lines appeared.
I remember feeling really alone. I had been seeing a guy all summer. Things were great at first. About 2 months in we stopped talking as much and slowly just stopped talking all together. I didn’t know if I should tell him. Would he think I was just lying? What if the test is wrong and I just made a big deal out of nothing? I was at a loss and didn’t know what to do.
I tried to call the guy but there was no answer. I sent him a text asking him to please call me back; there was something important I needed to talk with him about. No response.
So I called and talked with my friend for a long time. We went over my options. I didn’t think I could handle being pregnant let alone have a child. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to graduate after 5 years of hard work. I was broke and could barley afford to pay an electric bill on time every month. I had a mother who begged for grandchildren, but I didn’t want to be the girl who moved back in with her parents because she got pregnant. I want to travel and see the world. I want to make something of myself. I wanted to be the best me before I brought a child into this world. And that’s when I knew what I had to do.
I called a place in my hometown. I knew it was a place that would perform an abortion without asking a million questions. I made an appointment for three days later.
I went to the clinic with a close friend. Protestors are horrible. I will never forget the signs their children held. A man ran at our car and begged for us to turn around, It wasn’t too late.
I was 5 weeks and 2 days.
I chose to have a medical abortion because I thought would be less painful. The nurses working at the clinic were cold and didn’t say much. The nurse who gave me the first pill I had to take, didn’t say anything but, “here it is, once you take this there is no turning back”. So I took a deep breath and swallowed the pill.
We left and it was silent the whole way home. I felt relief. I felt guilt. I felt every single emotion I’ve ever felt before in that 3-hour drive.
The next few days were painful. I stayed curled up in a ball with a heating pad on my stomach for a week. I caught up on Netflix and refused to answer any phone calls.
It’s been 3 long months since I had my abortion. I wish I could say that I’m 100% happy with my decision but I still feel guilt sometimes. It’s been hard seeing pregnant girls on a daily basis and keeping a straight face when the abortion topic gets brought up. It been hard seeing my friends get pregnant and to know what brought fear and sadness to me, brings joy to them. I felt wrong for what I felt for a long time. I felt like a shitty daughter for a long time. I still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I still have days when all I want to do is cry. I don't know when those bad days will go away but I think it all just takes time.