I don't even know where to begin. My period hasn't been regular for a few years now, and when it was late this month I jokingly told my partner "if this doesn't resolve itself in the next few days, I'm going to pick up a pregnancy test!" Because my period is late so often, I had no reservations about peeing on a stick; it would be negative, and I might even start bleeding on the test (it had happened before).
The next day, my boyfriend handed me a test, and I begrudgingly headed to the restroom. It was positive. Although I knew that it was plausible (I hadn't been on the pill for a few months because I wanted my body to find its cycle itself), it didn't feel real.
The same day, I visited Planned Parenthood where they confirmed my pregnancy. I started recalling my symptoms over the past few weeks (swollen boobs, and peeing every hour), and it began to feel real. My boyfriend and I had talked about this in the past, and we agreed that we wanted to do other things before becoming parents. He has a business that he's committed to running, and I just got close to a full scholarship at a good school to finish my education. We both agreed that before we brought life into the world, we wanted to be married, have time and be more emotionally and financially stable. Additionally, we both think that there are a lot of kids in the world who need love, and we both want to adopt.
After talking about our options, I decided on a surgical abortion. I needed to be on my feet the day after the procedure. I'm busy with work and summer school, and I didn't have time to be sick at home for 24+ hours with a pill. I also thought that my partner couldn't afford to take that time off. I was upset when I found out that abortions were only preformed at certain clinics on certain days. Admittedly, I didn't ask my partner what was most convenient for him.
The day of the procedure (four days after the initial test) I flipped out at my boyfriend. I told him that our appointment was at 1:30, and I didn't think that he had enough time to pick me up and get me there. My appointment wasn't until 1:40, and we had a ten minute grace period. When he told me that between his meeting and picking me up that he needed to get our dog, I lost it.
During the procedure, we were told that we'd have to wait four hours for the entire process. My partner was upset, he had lunch meetings and dinner meetings and had to rearrange his entire day for the procedure. He left once to go get our dog and got caught in pretty bad traffic and wasn't able to come back for two hours. While he was out, I sent him to go get a sandwich.
The actual procedure wasn't as painful or as emotional as I thought it would be. I walked out and was relieved. I spent the rest of the day curled up on my bed with our dog, and he slept right next to me until the next morning.
While I was sleeping, my boyfriend ran around to meetings that he had missed and crawled into bed late. I was happy to wake up next to my two loves and thought our weeklong ordeal was over.
The day after the procedure, I didn't feel great. Advil helped with the pain, but by midday I was a hormonal mess. My boyfriend decided to throw a party at his new house (he had moved in the day before my procedure) and asked me to help out. By the end of the night I was livid at him. I wanted everyone in his house to leave and for him to curl up with me to decompress. Instead, he was charming a room full of people. My emotional reactions didn't match his actions at all. I told a couple friends what I was dealing with--one of them is a coworker of his. I called other friends. I was looking for sympathy, understanding, compassion and advice to deal with my rage.
That night my boyfriend came in after receiving a text from a friend who knew about our abortion. He tried to be sweet and he curled up and went to bed with me.
The next day we had a big blow out about everything that had happened: he was mad at me because I hadn't considered his schedule in regards to the procedure. I admitted that it was selfish, and in my eyes, I was allowed to be selfish. I was the one who had to deal with the physical consequences of what we'd been through. I was mad at him for throwing a party, for not being more compassionate, for calling me selfish. Then we talked about breaking up. We both deserved better from the other one. He wanted a relationship where things were private and kept sacred; I wanted an emotional rock.
Hours later, I'm scared that I'm losing my best friend. I know that I'm not fighting fair right now and I wish I could be there while he goes through his emotions too. I'm resentful that he doesn't have to see me for a few weeks or deal with the physical consequences. I don't feel capable of being emotionally level-headed right now. I'm sad for him. I'm sad for us. I'm feeling everything and nothing all at once. I'm not making the best choices as to who I'm reaching out to, and I wish I could do this a little more gracefully and with more love in my heart for my partner.