Speaker's Age: 18
Story Told In: 2012

Last night was one of those. The ones where my mind just can't seem to stop running. It gets out of control. I think. I wonder. Not once I want it to stop. I have complete control. I can rather focus on something else. But I choose not to. My mind gets tempted by my sins. The what if's and should have's shouldn't. People say things happen for a reason, but I'm not so sure. So many opportunities have presented themselves then but I chose otherwise. How stupid was I. How cruel was that. I, the one who always stands up opposing injustice against the weak. Yet I, me, myself, Eleanor, could not choose what is right. I really thought this was a solution. Little did I know it's only the beginning of the everlasting. No day passes that I don't wonder what she would have looked like. My eyes, my dispels. My smile. Or maybe his locks. Unfortunately as much as what she would have looked like me in her smile there would be traces of me, I mean him. I would give anything to see her. Go back in time say no. My mom asked me is this what you want to do? I once did not think of her, I thought of me. And I looked up with showers of tears. Then replied YES. She asked then why you crying? I said I'm sorry for letting you down. Those tears were not real. I just wanted my Mom not to scream and shout at me. Well now I see she couldn't. Her screams would not undo what's already inside of me. Yesterday I had a dream. I dreamt about her. Our life together. I was content. I was a mommy. And in my dream a friend came up to me and said you have been blessed with a daughter. I could tell I was happy. And now... Now what? I'm as miserable as can be. I think of all the methods of how I tried to hide it. And how cruel was that. All in the name of not getting caught. I wonder if lying on my tummy did it, hurt her little fragile body. Did the oretane do something to her? Ironically I stopped taking the pills and thought something is not right. But still I, I was in denial of the matter at hand. “She is living just not the way you think.” I so hope it's true. Does she know who am I? What did God say... Did He maybe say, now is not the time my child? Does she wonder, why does my mommy not want me? I'll give anything to have that moment and just talk. She is a child. A baby. Babies can't talk. I know, but she is different. Did it hurt? Was she alive when they brought in the scissors? How painful was it? I want to feel it. Feel her pain. I would like to know everything. That's what you get for three thousand three hundred rand. I wish I hadn't done that. I would rather have her raised by someone else instead then. I still think maybe if I had more support, maybe if I told my friends or the guy who got me into all of this (there I go again trying to blame someone else), I would have got maybe a different view on the situation. I would have realised this is not just a pregnancy. It's a baby. A part of you. Abortion would have not been an option. I would be embarrassed. Now dreams are the only place where I can see her. I would have named her Chastity because she was my first. Her father, well unfortunately my first “Everything”. I was chased when I met him. So Chastity is perfect. I never had the bonding thing with her. I tried by all means to ignore her. I never looked at my tummy didn't touch it. But one night as I cried myself to sleep as what I always do. I put my hands around my tummy and I said I'll love you for as long as what I have you. And that was it. How cold. Excuses excuses. I don't deserve to be forgiven. Now it's a smile that will never smile, eyes that will never see. A laugh that will never be heard. Feet that will never learn to walk. Hands that will never touch. A heart that will never beat...