I have three children already... my seven year marriage is an absolute joke... full of emotional abuse and affairs.

I put up with the affairs and pretended I didn't know. I knew. My husband told me he hated me and thought I was disgusting to him and no wonder he "never wanted to have sex" with me, he couldn't even open-mouth kiss me anymore. I never had the strength or the will power to leave. He had me so isolated from everyone-- my family and friends. They all saw that I "lost the sparkle in my eyes" and I "just wasn't me anymore." I didn't smile, and I never went out. My world revolved around my children and my yearn to just hold my family together. I just wanted my husband to want and love me again. He was all that I ever knew...

Until... I started talking to my mom's friend. He was seven years older than me. He had two daughters of his own who are in their teens. He was 10 months just out of his 15 year marriage. He was rumored to be seeing my mother, but when he messaged me on FB because they were no longer speaking, he just wanted to make sure that I wasn't mad at him either. I wrote him back and told him that whatever happened between him and my mom was not any of my business. He had to prove to me that he and my mother were just friends. We spoke on FB for about a month. Then we exchanged phone numbers and began texting. He would call me beautiful, and always hoped that I wasn't married. He knew how horrible my marriage was; it was no secret to how horribly my husband treated me. He told me everything that I wanted to hear from my husband. He would always ask me out for coffee or to a movie, just as friends. I was way to scared to do that. Just talking to him made me feel terrible.

Two months into our "texting affair," I came across some emails on my husbands account from his "gf, Carrie". I was sooo enraged and hurt that I texted this man and asked to hang out. THAT night. I went over to his house, and after six hours of just talking and playing our favorite songs on Youtube to each other, he kissed me. That was the most passionate kiss that I had felt in at LEAST five years. I was petrified. He knew because I had told him. He was too. He hadn't been with another woman other than his ex- for 16 years.

We ended up having sex. It was so intense and so heartfelt. It was romantic... there were candles and music. I wasn't even shy to be completely nude with him. I was so insecure with my husband; I never undressed in front of him since he started making hurtful comments about my stretchmarks and "baggy belly". I'm not fat. I just dont have my pre-baby, competitive kickboxing bod that I used to have when my husband first met me. But with this guy, I felt sexy. He made me feel that way.

It turned into a physical affair, and he wanted me to leave my husband. He made me happy, I loved him, and he loved me. He WANTED a baby with me... I ended up getting pregnant two months after we started sleeping together. We lost that baby at six weeks gestation. We were sad, and I felt that would be my strength to pack up my kids and leave my husband. But then my husband started coming around and paying attention to me because I wasn't smothering him anymore.

A month after we lost our first, I didn't get a period after the miscarriage. But I felt pregnant and I hadn't gotten my HCG levels checked for a while. So we took a home pregnancy test. It had one very dark line and the other line was very very faint. Two lines = Positive. I was in shock. I didn't want that again. I was learning things ahout this guy that weren't much different than my husband, like his drunken flirting with much younger girls. I'm 27 and he was flirting with girls who are his nephew's friends: 16& 17. He did cocaine when he would get drunk... I AM COMPLETELY ALCOHOL & DRUG FREE. I have never had any interest in them because of my awful childhood. These were all qualities that I did not want in a man. He was living with 18 & 19 yr olds in a party house. He lost his job and wasn't eager to find another one, either.

I didn't want to be pregnant again. I just wanted to be alone with my kids, heal and learn to love myself and be okay with just being a single mom of THREE. But he told everyone that we were pregnant again and was so so happy. I was against abortion, and adoption just wasn't in my nature either.

I had an abortion this past Thursday... ='( The pain and the grief and the guilt that I am feeling is unbelievable! Almost unbearable. I was 15 weeks and one day gestation. We went to ultrasounds, heard the heartbeat, seen the baby wiggling around on the ultrasound. But things weren't getting better. My guy wasn't getting a job, and when we would fight, he would tell me he's gonna lose my number and never talk to me again. I'd say, "What about the baby?" and he would tell me it would be too hard to see let alone raise a baby if we weren't together. That scared me. I was fearing being alone with three kids, but three kids AND a newborn?!?!? He even questioned the paternity when he was drunk one night when they were partying at his house. You must know, that I haven't been intimate with my husband in over a year and he had a vasectomy done after our third child.

I'm not talking to either of them. I had a break down and kicked out my husband. Hes staying at his parents. All I keep thinking is, That baby must have felt pain. I had to first be dilated at the abortion clinic. I knew once I inserted the Cytotec that there was no turning back... I was waiting for any sign that this wasn't the right thing for me and if I had gotten one, I woulda wallked right out of that clinic... but there was none.

The guy knew what I was doing, and he was sad and told me I was killing our baby. But I sat down and went over my pros and cons sheet I had been working on, and the cons outweighed the pro by FARRRR. He didn't say anything. He supported whatever decision I chose.

I am having the worst time right now. I am lactating, I feel soooooooooooo empty. I thought it was in my head when I could feel the baby move before. But I am reading that after multiple pregnancies, it's very common to be able to feel movement earlier on. That was what I was feeling. Now I feel nothing but pain and sadness. I cry every night at just the thought of what I have done. And I am sooo angry that I waited sooo long. I still get the emails of how far along I am etc, etc. I unsubscribed to all of those sites. Hurts to see. When I am having a breakdown, I remind myself that I deserve this. That I deserve some form of punishment for what I have done. If I could turn back time... I would have found a way to just deal with it.

That was my unborn child, and I was the only one who was supposed to protect him/her. And I didn't... I made a selfish, selfish decision. I am not sure that I will be able to ever forgive myself. I have a ribbon that I was given at the clinic and an ultrasound picture that I plan to bury or burn to say my Goodbye to my sweet, sweet Angel. Hopefully, in time the pain subsides. I have to keep in mind that I have my three beautiful children and they need their happy mom back. It's still so fresh right now though.