I should be a mother this month with the love of my life, and I sit here still incapable of describing what I feel. The only person I can talk to about it is my incredibly supportive boyfriend, but even then, I can't articulate the pain, guilt, or horrifying memories that I feel. It's indescribable. Mostly he just holds me as I cry randomly and uncontrollably. The whole time I'm scared to death. "When is he going to get sick of this? When is this going to exhaust him to the point that it has exhausted me??? Will I ever feel like myself again?"
Empty dull pain. Like my heart literally hurts. It knocks the wind out of me. The most random things trigger it. A cute kid in with my boyfriends eyes in the grocery store. The look that he gives me sometimes when I know that I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to be the father of my children. Why not that one then??? Because I didn't know.
That's a lie. I did know. I knew within a month of dating him that he was the one. That this one was different. I didn't want to ruin it-- that is the truth. I loved him more than anything, and I didn't want it to change. I wanted to know that he felt the same way about me without always wondering if he REALLY wanted it or just felt like it was his responsibility. I wanted it to go like I dreamed about since I was little. I wanted the engagement. The dress. The wedding. The honeymoon. All of it without feeling like it was out of obligation, or that people doubted it. Doubted us. I will never forget when we were seriously discussing having it, he said to me, "I promise, no matter what, I will be there for our child." The whole time I was thinking, what about me? Will you be there for me? How selfish is that?
I still have flashbacks, and every time I think about the experience, I feel a huge lump in my throat and my eyes well up. I was 22 weeks. They literally induced labor. The most excruciating pain I've ever felt. I was sitting there on a giant pad, naked with a paper gown on, bleeding and violently vomiting from the pill they gave me to induce labor. Women sobbing all around me. I was screaming and crying. Begging for pain meds. Pleading for someone to help me. Make it all go away. It was humiliating. I felt degraded. Not by them. Degraded by myself. Degraded for putting myself in this position. Where the hell am I? How did I get things so wrong to end up in a situation like this?
I am lucky though. Fortunate to have the support of my boyfriend. We made a promise. We listed all the reasons abortion was our only choice (He's in law school and works full time and couldn't be around to help, I started a great job and would have to quit, there is so much we wanted to do before getting to this point, we had only been dating for nine months, we weren't married, didn't want to disappoint our families). We promised each other that we would live out everything that brought us to this decision. Live up to our utmost potential. As if this would be the silver lining. I don't think I fully comprehended the price.
I am sad a lot. I went from being a confident, bright independent young woman deeply in love to a insecure, needy person who often is so overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that I can't think straight half the time. When I break into my sob spells while my boyfriend tries to comfort me, I find that I just start repeating "I'm OK. I'm OK. I'll be OK". I thought about it later and I don't know who I'm trying to convince more... him or me.
"There isn't any shame in holding on to your grief... just as long as you make room for the other stuff too."