My husband and I had been together for almost eight years and had been trying to have a baby for a long time. I had a total of six miscarriages and was pregnant again.
This time, the baby grew. I saw and heard my child's heartbeat for the first time and it was the most amazing thing ever. I quickly fell in love with my baby. I was high risk and had ultrasounds every other week, sometimes each week, and every time there it was, growing, heart beating strongly. This was my miracle baby. Everything looked normal until I went in for my 12 week ultrasound.
I'll never forget that day. The words still sting: "There's a problem with the baby's head. It's called acrania and means the skull is missing and the brain has been damaged by the amniotic fluid and will never have function. It is incompatible with life."
My choices were to either have an abortion, carry it to term and give birth to it, stillborn and deformed, or wait to see if it dies in utero, then give birth. There was no option for a special needs child or just a disability. My luck was just for emptiness and death.
I chose to terminate the pregnancy instead of waiting for the inevitable. I feel like I didn't have a choice, my baby would never be alive. It was awful. The medication did nothing for the pain and horror I went through on that table as the life was taken from me.
I will love and grieve for my baby forever.