If the circumstances were more allowing, I would have given birth to my son.
In February 2009, I knew that something was different about me. I was constantly tired, suffering from extreme stomach pains, and was a tad bit more emotional than usual. My boyfriend tried to tell me that I wasn't pregnant, and that I shouldn't act as if I am pregnant, because I was going to get my period in a few days. After being late for 10 days, I wasn't convinced. I told him I was going to take a test and promised to show him the test, regardless of the outcome.
The result came within seven seconds. Two lines. I was pregnant.
I cried on my bathroom floor for 15 minutes, asking myself why this was happening to me. Eventually I realized that crying wasn't going to do me any good. Crying would not have an impact on my pregnancy.
I was eighteen, struggling to make 400 hundred a month, and supporting my then unemployed boyfriend with that measly amount of money. Financially speaking, having a baby was impossible. There was also another issue at hand, my boyfriend is a twin. One baby is hard enough to handle, imagine trying to support twins with 400? (There was only one embryo, thankfully). It simply does not work.
After taking the test, I went online to research abortion availability in Idaho. There are two Planned Parenthood facilities in my region, the first is in Twin Falls, two hours away from my home, and Boise, four hours away. I wrote the contact information, printed out driving directions, and waited for my boyfriend to contact me.
He called at 2am, asking "What's wrong?"
He told me to go see him, and I did. There we were. Two young people, in love and scared. I cried and cried. And he continued to love and support me. I calmed down, and we discussed our options.
Abortion was our decision. My family consists of Fundamentalists ministers. They are the type of family that would disown their own daughter for being pregnant. I didn't want that life. And we didn't want our child to grow up without knowing his grandparents. And most certainly, we did not want our child raised my another family. You may call me selfish, but wanting to bring a child into that environment is even more selfish.
My boyfriend really helped me throughout the entire ordeal. He drove me to both of the clinics in Idaho-- a dangerous and long drive in the middle of March. In Twin Falls, I had an ultrasound, had a copy of the ultrasound at my request, and went through the legal regulations with him by my side. The abortion was scheduled for March 26, 2009 in Boise. (The Twin Falls clinic does not provide the procedure.) The day came, and we said goodbye to our "son" that we had dubbed as Darius. We do not regret it.
It has been nearly two months since that day. Occasionally, I still cry about losing the opportunity to raise Darius. But in my heart, I know that my son is very much by God, and that Darius will look after me and his future siblings as an angel.
It will be another six years before we will have the opportunity to have a baby, as I am about to enter the Air Force. Abortion taught me that there is no victory without sacrifice. For as long as live, I will never forget him or cease to love him, for Darius is my strength to move forward in life.
Thank you for reading my story.