Two and a half weeks ago, my boyfriend proposed to me... I couldn't be happier, but something didn't feel quite right. I knew I was pregnant. I had known for weeks... it was just too early to be detected by a take home pregnancy test. Two days after his proposal, a test finally showed up positive. We were excited! The fantasy of being parents overwhelmed both of us, and it was beautiful and fun.
Reality is that I am in school working on my bachelor's degree. He is going back to school for another degree, we both have full time jobs and we still are having a hard time paying all of our bills on time. I have always been Pro-Choice, and after really thinking about the reality of our situation... I knew that having a baby right now wasn't the right thing to do. He is not a dead-end job kind of guy-- he would have to work three different jobs so he could support me just for the two months I would have to take off from work. He would have to go to work, then I would have to go to work-- we would be raising the baby in shifts. Children need to be raised in a unified house with the masculine and feminine balance. It just really wasn't the right time. I can't be the best mom right now. I know many women have children young, but when I have a baby, I want to show it the world and give it a global perspective. I need to work on myself a little more before I am a mother.
When I mentioned an abortion, he lost it. He left. He went and stayed with his parents for a night, and I stayed with mine. We broke off the engagement and started talking about a separation. It was devastating. I would have to choose my life, or him AND being a mother. I was so angry he put me in that position. I had never felt so abandoned and disposable. After spending one night apart from each other, we met up at our apartment just to talk. That day, I started bleeding, and was under the impression I was about to have a miscarriage. When I got to the apartment, his car was backed into a parking spot-- like he was going to load the trunk up and leave. I walked inside and he was sleeping on the bed. I woke him up, and my heart sank. I was breaking into a thousand pieces, and then, he pulled me into his arms. After our embrace, we went outside to our little porch. We started talking about everything... the raw emotions of it all. He told me that he could never choose his Pro-Life beliefs over me, over love. We agreed to go talk to our parents, grab our bags we had packed for the night before, and meet back at the apartment that night. We talked about starting our relationship from the ground up... healing everything with love and paving a foundation that was made up by only us-- not our parents, cultures and fears.
I told my parents I wanted to be with him, and work this out. They flipped and basically said next time I have a crisis to keep driving past their house... which is fine. I am an adult. I told my mom I love her and said with complete respect that I could never make a decision about a relationships just based on her perspective. This is my life... and these are my lessons. She doesn't think he's the one for me. It's my job to figure that out. My boyfriend's parents basically said FUCK YOU and that they never want to see him again. We took a big step and chose our love over our parents' beliefs.
I went to my first appointment alone. I was proud of myself. I stayed positive... I had to. My heart was heaviest when I looked at the ultrasound. I am glad I was only 6 1/2 weeks along, because I'm sure seeing an actual form would have made it harder. The women who worked there were amazing. The counselor I spoke to really listened to me and was ready with a box of tissues and kind words. I knew I was doing the right thing. I had asked my mom to take me to the appointment the next day and she said that my boyfriend should go with me... she said that he would need closure too. He was bothered that I hadn't asked him sooner. He had been offering to take me since I scheduled the appointment.
Yesterday was the day of the procedure. I was feeling more brave than nervous. My mom called and told me she had two candles lit-- one for me and one for my boyfriend. I wore comfortable clothes, and my spiritual necklace that has a lot of positive energy. I meditated the whole way there, and told the spirit that was picked out to be my child to come back again. At the clinic, my boyfriend held me and stroked my hair. I had to take two pills to help dilate my cervix. About two hours after I took the pills, I was called back for the procedure. I was still feeling brave. I talked to the doctor and the nurse for a minute... just about the procedure. I did my best to relax... to keep my legs from locking up. Some women have anesthesia, but I only had IB Profen. It was painful, but fast.
Today I am back at work and feeling much better. Yesterday was intense, and, although I am sad, I feel a little more optimistic. I can't wait to be a mom one day! I know the universe will bless me when the time is right. I'm thankful for the lessons I have learned through this experience, and I am so glad women have the right to choose. I do miss the feeling of being pregnant... I felt so serene and I could feel a glowing white light in my womb. When the time is right, I welcome that feeling back.