I wanted the baby so bad but it couldn't happen. Not then. Not yet. My boyfriend wanted it too, probably more than me, but he supported my decision all the way. When it was time for the abortion, I was alone, in a different province, halfway across the country. I stayed in a hotel for two nights and took public transit to the clinic.
The waiting room was filled with people. It was so full it was almost uncomfortable-- too many people in one room, all there for the same reason, all trying not to look at each other but curious about who else was there, what they looked like, and how they felt. I was so anxious and scared.
In the counseling room the doctor gave me two sedatives. When the doctor came to bring me into the procedure room, I was surprisingly dizzy. "Up on the slab you go, spread your legs, up comes the shirt, clench your fist," and on the other side of me the doctor is looking inside my stomach but I can't see anything.
All of a sudden, time sped up. People surrounded me, clustered towards my feet with one helpful stranger at waist-level occasionally giving me encouragement. It started to hurt. I started to cry. The pain went further and further inside of me. I thought I wouldn't be able to take any more. I cried out. I let go of the gas mask. And then it stopped.
In the recovery room I sat up straight and held onto my stomach. It felt empty and sore. The nurse came over, pointed out how pale I was, and put a cold cloth on my head. She gave me cookies. In about half an hour after getting everything straightened out with paperwork, blood pressure and medication, I was free to go.
When I got to my hotel I fell over on a pile of pillows and called my boyfriend. I do not remember most of that conversation but I know I cried a bit. He told me to take a nap. So I did. Four hours later I woke up and got medication and food. I felt peaceful, sometimes sad, not in pain anymore, but mainly peaceful.
It's over. And it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I don't regret it, not one bit. There will be a day when the time is right.