I had had two children and a miscarriage by the time I was 43, in 2005. The older child was about to turn 13. My husband lost a testicle to cancer and after I turned 40, I quit using birth control because I was so sure I couldn't get pregnant. It worked for three years, and then I got pregnant.

The decision to go off birth control had been mine. When I saw the pregnancy test turn positive, I felt a little elation that my body still worked that way, but my husband was furious. The first two sentences out of his mouth were "How could you let this happen?" and "There go my retirement plans." He calmed down a bit later that day but was still upset. His worry infected me, and I began to think of all that could go wrong, how hard it would be, etc. The next day began the familiar sick feeling.

The next day the exhaustion hit and I slept 16 hours. The next day was Sunday. I was throwing up in the bathroom at church when another lady I did not know well came in. She guessed why I was throwing up. She had teenagers and twin 3-year-olds from a second marriage. She began to tell me how impossibly difficult it is to have toddlers and teenagers at once. That was the last straw for me. I felt it was unfair to my two kids to bring this baby into their lives.

That Wednesday I had an abortion. I cried the whole time and I told the counselors I thought it was a mistake. They kept saying, "Then why are you here?" I went through with the abortion. I wish to God I hadn't. We would have muddled through somehow. I told my husband I lost the baby so that he would not carry any of the guilt.

Two years later (last year), my husband had an affair with a co-worker. Although he willingly gave her up, I still don't know if our marriage will survive. I do NOT take the blame for his actions, but the truth is, the abortion changed me. I blamed him, but kept this secret from him and did not get help. I made him more vulnerable to other women. Now he is trying to cope with both his own behavior and what I did. The ironic thing is, we hurt our kids so badly with this mess, when my whole rationale for the abortion was our kids.