Two days ago I had an abortion.
I didn't expect to have any feelings after it was over, but I do. I don't feel guilt or regret, and the decision to have the abortion was easy. During the procedure, the staff at Planned Parenthood was so kind that I kept crying, because i felt so much relief from their understanding. I was terrified of having the procedure, which hurt considerably, and when it was over, I trembled and smiled. My head was cloudy from the drugs and the tears, and I remember i didn't want to leave the clinic, where everyone knew what had just happened to me and wanted to answer my questions and give me juice and call me by name.
I walked outside anyway, feeling weird and excited. The relief I had expected was there. I could still feel my uterus cramping, but all the pain and the nightmare of doctors and needles and paper gowns was over. Still, somehow, I was still scared.
It's only been two days, and I'm sure these feelings will pass, but more than anything, I was surprised at having any emotional reaction at all. I don't feel sad, exactly, but I am still scared, and I feel lonely and unprotected. Something about the whole experience of the abortion made me feel somehow vulnerable. Maybe this is some form of grief or anxiety, or maybe not. I'm still glad it's over, and I know I made the right decision. But I still feel like something has happened to me, and that perhaps some things are going to be different now. I think I am afraid of what might have changed forever. I feel isolated and damaged.
I'm thankful for resources like this one, where I can work through vague and complicated feelings in a private way. I think I might have just needed this small bit of connection to initiate my healing.
It makes sense that I feel empty, and I know I can be strong.