I never thought I would have an abortion. Though I am pro-choice, I have always wanted to be pregnant at some point in my life, so I figured if it ever did happen, I would let it. I was usually safe, so it wasn't really a question.
In comes a man who I met on vacation that I thought I fell in love with. There was great anticipation for two months before seeing him again since we did not live near each other. On the first night we had sex again and, without asking, he just came right inside me. After that, as I was lying there in shock, he turned it around, saying I could have told him to use a condom, saying he thought I said I was on birth control (which I have never been on and would never say I was), saying, "well, you knew I was coming."
All of this helped to make me feel shame... From that moment on, it's like I cracked inside. I knew I was pregnant. I should have hopped on the first plane out of there and taken care of myself, taken the morning after pill, realized this person did not care enough about me or my life. That is the most painful part-- I let this person overpower me. I felt so out of whack for the rest of the trip, I needed to be gone to realize that he was really just trying to trap me, that he was a scammer, that I knew nothing about what was really happening in his life... so much of what he told me were lies.
This was the most painful decision for me because I would have loved to keep the pregnancy, but the experience it came from is one of pain and manipulation. I went to Planned Parenthood three times before I could go through with it. It has been two days since I have taken the abortion pill and I am trying to sort out my feelings. I believe I made the right choice for me. I believe this child would have had so much sorrow around it... I don't want to do that to anyone, ever.
Now I am reading all of these stories, searching for inspiration. I know there is grief and loss, but I do believe there are ways to transform these feelings so that they are not this black hole in my life forever. I feel so much more connected to women and the choices we have to make in such a short amount of time. I want to feel empowered again. I have chosen my life, and maybe that is selfish... but maybe it is one of the most powerful gifts to myself as well.
Now my job is to stay connected with thoughts that help me build on this precious life instead of tearing it down with guilt and depression. There are so many lessons in this for me and my intention is to use them to deepen and enrich my life. And to choose more wisely to whom I give my heart and my body.