First I hated myself. I thought that I was a murderer. Everything became very confusing. Because of the hormones, I was protective and overtly motherly. I am usually all of my friends' mom and when I became a mom, it felt right.
Though I felt that I was "at home" with being pregnant, I knew there was no way for me to fully support this baby. I wanted it so bad. Both me and my partner were, and still are, madly in love, so love was never an issue. It was the economical and social issue. I began to realize that I didn't hate myself, because I loved that being and protected it until I couldn't anymore.
I now am coming to terms with the world that leaves me with "the choice." In my position, I had no medical issues, I wasn't raped, I wasn't "too" young, yet I knew the world wouldn't support me. So I decided to hate the world that didn't support me: the government that won't give me health insurance, and the population of people that are narrow minded and unsupportive.
I planted lavender. It's growing on top of my bed and sits near the window. This plant marks this time in my life.