I was twenty when I found out I was pregnant. I had been casually dating a guy I really enjoyed. It was my first relationship that was primarily sexual. I sensed that he wasn't concerned about my birth control situation. I had unprotected sex with him a couple of times. (The other times we used condoms.)
I knew I was pregnant before it was confirmed. I had no appetite. I could only eat fruit without feeling ill. I hardly knew the guy, and I started to tell him several times, but ended up running away. A couple of days later he confronted me and asked what was going on. I said, "I'm upset because I'm pregnant, but please don't bring it up again because I'm going to take care of the situation myself."
He agreed. I'm not sure that's what I really wanted. I had a friend drive me to the clinic and the procedure was painful and traumatic for me. I decided quickly...I never once thought about keeping the baby. I had no money; my parents would help me, I knew, but I couldn't face them.
Sadly, I never had anyone to talk to throughout the whole ordeal. It was an extremely difficult experience for me. I had never "believed" in abortion. It had always been very separate from me and how I lived. For weeks I tried to bring it up so my boyfriend would discuss my sadness with me. He didn't seem to understand that I needed to TALK.
He has never engaged me in a conversation about my abortion. I feel awkward bringing it up. I think about it every single day. I don't regret it, but I regret telling him never to speak about it. In a way I want him to be sad with me. I am vehemently pro-choice now, but I am always aware that I chose to end a life. That's OK with me, but it's something I need help dealing with. We are still very good friends. One day I'd like him to turn to me and say, "How do you feel about what happened?"
But I'm not sure he wonders.
After a little more than one year, I've realized that it's not the abortion that has upset me. It is the feeling of being very, very alone since then.