I found out I was pregnant when I was 27. At the time I was involved with someone that I just didn't see any long-term possibilities with. It was weird because I'd been not careful many times before. I'd been sexually active since I was 15. To find out at 27 that I was pregnant was just really strange. I always told myself that if I'd ever gotten pregnant, I would automatically have an abortion, especially if I didn't plan it.
I knew I was going to do it and I felt like it was going to be so easy, because here I was, pro-choice? To me that meant: "This is my choice. I am going to do this." I still am pro-choice. I guess I just wasn't prepared for what would come afterwards and all the feelings that I had: feelings of grief and loss, and realizing that I do want to have a child someday but this isn't the right time. And feeling really sad and worried, like, did I make the right decision? It wasn't something I could just talk to people about and I think that made it feel even worse.
I've been in therapy since the abortion, and not just because of the abortion-- all this other stuff got stirred up. I don't know what I would have done without that. I would have just had to swallow it up I guess. What a thing to swallow up.
I remember doing searches online to see if there were after-abortion women's groups where I can talk to someone about this. But everything seemed really judgmental and centered around religion and feeling guilt. And I did feel guilt but I didn't want to focus on that guilt, I just wanted to talk about it and how it made me feel.
I felt really resentful towards the pro-choice movement for a while. There was no room for me to say: hey, I'm really going through a tough time because of this. It's like you were supposed to somehow feel empowered by this. And some people do, and that's great, but that wasn't me. The people I knew who'd had abortions, it seemed so easy for them. They went and did it and seemed fine. I guess I just never met anyone who had a difficult time with it, or at least they weren't able to talk with me about it. I guess that's why the feelings that came after were such a shock.
I'm so glad people are bringing light to this. I feel like we've all been in the dark. In some ways we've been taught to think one way about it, and it can be so complex.